Imagination Creation Identity Adventure

Mouthpiece

2011-10-22T22:40:00.000-07:00

I never had a voice. I didn’t think I was born with one. I just, you know, never talked. To me, a voice was not a part of my existence. Yes—I did notice everyone else using theirs, but I was different. I knew that right away. I wouldn’t talk, because nothing would come out. I have to be honest; I didn’t always like being different in this way, but really, what could I do about it? It was my reality, one that I had to face and live with.
There were times when people would actually talk to me, ask me questions, like they thought I might actually have the ability to speak just like them. The audacity! I remember my mouth starting to open, like it believed something would happen, but of course, nothing ever did. The person would leave me alone after that. Now they knew the truth. But it left me humiliated. I was doing just fine before they came up to me, coping with my lack of a voice just fine. But when that happened, it reminded me that there was something wrong with me. That it wasn’t really okay.
My name is Ellis. Growing up, I never thought that was significant. It was just two syllables put together to compose a label. My parents liked the sound of it. Too bad I could never say it. I never heard what my name sounded like on my own tongue. As I grew older, voices began to taunt me. Voices without substance attached to them. They would tell me there was something seriously wrong with me and I could never be loved on account of my absent voice. They told me that people felt sorry for me but that’s all they thought of me. They told me I should never have been born. It was horrifying. First I had learned to accept who I was, now I was ashamed of it. Well, it wasn’t hard to hide my feelings, being that I didn’t have a voice. I willed my face and my actions to disguise them as well. I got really good at that.
By the time I was an adult, I was a hopeless case. I trudged through life with no purpose, no passion, no love. I was virtually dead. I questioned why I had to be born, and I began to resent whoever had originally come up with that idea, and whichever genius thought it would be brilliant to make me without a voice. I lived in an isolated world of encroaching darkness. I could hardly even see the people around me anymore. It didn’t matter—they never noticed me now.
One day I lay on my bedroom floor and I sobbed. That’s right—I was finally letting it all out. This was my life, and I was not okay with it. So I sobbed. What else could I do? I wasn’t expecting an answer.
But then it came. Like an ocean wave, it came and crashed over me.
Not really an answer, just a name. My name. “Ellis!” The voice called. It had been so long since I had heard my name spoken, it made me weep harder. Someone had noticed me? Not only that, but I had never heard such a voice before. Beautiful, passionate, deep, it resonated within my heart, breathed life into the dead caverns. It seemed to call to me in desperation, in desire even. No one, no one had ever desired me! I could never have anticipated what came next.
“Ellis, I made you.”
At this bold claim, my heart constricted. Rage pushed itself through until I couldn’t contain it anymore.
“WHY?” I screamed. All my questions formed this one word.
At first it didn’t register to me that I had spoken. I was too overcome in my fury towards this creator who decided not to give me a voice. But then, I began to breathe. Fast, so that I was acutely aware of every inhale and exhale. And I realized that a word had come out of my mouth.
That’s when my world tipped on its axis.
My creator spoke again. “You ask why. Why? Because you believed the lies, my son. I gave you a voice!”
I was shaking now, but my rage was dying down. Could it be? I began to feel something like elation. Joy. I wanted to hear more.
“You are Ellis! Your name has always meant ‘mouthpiece of God!’ So speak!”
“CREATOR! I LOVE YOU!” My first words of love. Oh, how beautiful, the feeling of them coming up through my throat and escaping through my mouth. All I could do was laugh.
My name is Ellis. I walk in the light. I know my God. I know my Creator. They are one and the same, and He made me to be his mouthpiece. You might hear me sometime, so keep your ears open.

A Foretaste of my Novel

2011-10-22T20:54:00.000-07:00

Louis showed up “fashionably” late. Ian guessed it was something someone with his wealth and reputation could get away with, and even be respected for. He rolled his eyes when Louis explained himself, but then gave him a tight-lipped grin. He didn’t need him on his bad side, after all. Ian grabbed a chip, casually tossed it in his mouth, and leaned back against the booth seat, crossing his arms and studying that smile glued on Louis’ face.
“Louis, Louis, Louis. Never thought I’d see you again.”
“Well, I’m 'ere.” Louis took a chip and heaped a pile of salsa on it before crunching down on it, still smiling all the while, even while he chewed.
“I see that. So… how’s life?” Louis laughed.
“Better than I could have ever asked for, mate. And getting better every day. There’s a reason I came to find you, you know.”
“Why, you missed your best friend from Lansing?” Ian replied with a smirk.
“Well, there is that…” He leaned forward, resting his hands on the table and finally lost the smile. “…But really, Ian, I just wanted to see you happy again.”
“What do you mean? You haven’t even seen me in what—eight years? And why would you even care? Explain yourself, bro.”
“Ian. I know what happened.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Louis had grown way too serious in the past ten seconds.
“Yes you do. You know, the incident.” Ian did know what he was talking about. But how could he know?
“How did you know about that?” he asked defensively.
“Like I said, mate, I have my ways. It’s a small world.”
“You have no right!” Ian raised his voice in anger. “You have no right to pry into my personal life when you haven’t even been here for me for the past eight years! I’ve put that part of my past behind me, Lou. It’s gone. I’m never ever gonna revisit it.” He toned down. “There’s no need to.” He paused, letting the anger boil down. “Why are you here Louis? What do you want from me?”
“I don’t want anything, Ian. I know how you feel, an’ I jest want to help you in the way I know I can.”
Were those tears welling up?
“No one can help me, Lou. I’m afraid it’s too late for that.”
“It’s not too late. I just need one thing from you, mate.”
“What?”
“Your trust. Let me be your friend again. Remember old times?”
He did remember. He also remembered how much it stung when Louis left without promising a return visit.
“How do I know you haven’t changed? How can I know you’re not a completely different person than I knew?”
“Are you that suspicious of everyone?”
Ian let out an exasperated sigh and put the palm of his hand to his head, as if that would cease his troubled thoughts spinning out of control. He closed his eyes.
“Look, Ian. If I wanted to use you in some way, I wouldn’t have come back. Believe me, there are easier ways to screw with someone than to move all the way from London to Lansing to be near ‘im. I’m here to help you. Now do you want to hear what I have to say or not?”
Ian opened his eyes. “Cus I’m not worth your time if I don’t?” It was more of a statement than a question.
“You’re nearly impossible! You are worth my time. Otherwise I wouldn’t be here. I spent enough time with you to know your potential, mate. I don’t want your past to mess with who you could be anymore.”
“Fine. If you really care, you’ll be the first. What great ideas does the infamous Louis Landers have to better my life?”
“Believe me, friend, once I tell you, you won’t regret hearing me out.”
“Out with it, then.” Louis took a deep breath.
“One thing, Ian—you have to be very honest with me first.”

Wall

2011-10-09T12:40:00.000-07:00

When is it okay to just be? Why am I not satisfied when I can’t seem to produce what I want to? Is it okay to be unproductive? I don’t know why I hit these walls sometimes. I don’t know if God is trying to tell me to rely on Him or if He just wants me to do nothing and receive from Him. But then, what if I can’t hear His answers? Why do I lose the inspiration that makes my heart beat, that gives me courage for another day, that fills me with the purpose I need to keep going? Is it resistance? Warfare? Or am I supposed to stop sometimes and be okay with it? Though I know the truth, I don’t seem to have answers to these questions. I’m a writer. Writers reveal truth, open up new perspectives, test what we all know. Sometimes I feel that all I have to write is more questions. Sometimes my thoughts can go no further. Sometimes I’m at such a point of desperation that all I can do is sit and feel nothing, do nothing. Is that desperation, though? If I am desperate, am I supposed to show it in some way, to actually do something? Are desperate people passionate? Or are we desperate because we lack passion? I long for the time to do what I know I’m made for. So why is it that whenever I am given the hugest chunk of time, I cannot get anything out? Rather, I seem to be more inspired when I barely have a moment, or when I feel too pressured to actually create. Why am I not inspired when I have wide open spaces? Even when I’m crying out to God to anoint me. Am I not putting in enough effort? Or do I simply need to stop and wait for God to show up and fill me again?
I’ve run dry. I’m not sure what to do when this happens. I know God will show up, because He always does, but what am I supposed to do in the meantime? Am I wasting my days? Or do I just need to hear His call, tune in to His drawing, and come be with Him? Maybe He’s trying to tell me something. If you are God, help me to hear!

Living

2011-08-06T22:46:00.000-07:00

God is at work in my heart. I feel like He’s probing, pushing on sensitive spots. He’s showing me what to live for, but seemingly only revealing little glimpses, small images or words that pull at the deepest parts of me. It’s hard to find the right words, but I just feel like He’s calling me to live my life in a different way. It starts with the way I think about myself. Then way I think about God, others, life, and the future. Our thoughts truly do create. And I want my thoughts to create in me the life my Creator intended for me to live.
I don’t know what the future holds, but it’s exciting. I don’t want to forget that. But I don’t want to think so much about what’s to come that I miss what’s happening now. What I am to do every day—right now. There is no greater call than to love people. And if that’s all I have to live for, that’s enough right now. To show God’s love in whatever way I can. To give. To give, to give, to give. I have so much to give. I am asking God for more outlets. But I know He won’t open doors unless my heart is ready, so that’s what I’m asking first. That I might know His love, that my heart may be turned away from selfish thoughts and towards God’s purpose. It’s all about Him. There are so many lines like that that we have turned into clichés. But do we live them? All I know is I want to live all the truth I’ve been taught my whole life. I want to live it now. I don’t want to wait anymore. I want to take the time to stop and listen to someone’s life story, to really care. I want to be willing to have my heart broken by knowing what someone else has gone through. I want to risk the pain of knowing and caring about other people. And I need wisdom and guidance in it all. God speak! I want to hear you—all the time. I’m desperate. Something calls to me deep inside. I can’t pass life by. Life is now.

Trust Dance

2011-08-02T22:49:00.000-07:00

Her muscles strained, employing her entire being to push out the last move. It had to be the most important one, the one that revealed the most, said the most, exerted the most passion, left the audience feeling vulnerable and responsible. But it was the most difficult, the one that had been the most challenging to practice, the one that had taken her months to be confident enough to attempt. The one that took the most trust. Contract, kick, ball change, turn—
Reach, and arch, one leg in attitude.
Peace. The moment lasted longer than it was intended to, at least to her. Finally, at the end of the dance, in her final moment, the completion of all her effort, she gave up. At last, she was not in control. The music swelled and guided her, and someone greater than her held her, became her strength. She smiled out of genuine joy and rested in her Creator’s arms. The One who made her to dance, the one who delighted in her even if she had made a hundred mistakes throughout the piece. She could finally trust that she could hold this last move and not fall. And in this holy moment of trust, she knew every man and woman attached to every eye watching her was beholding a miracle. The miracle and the beauty of dependence. They were not watching a young lady dance anymore, they were in fact beholding their very own Creator delighting in his Creation.
She felt the moment could last forever. But it didn’t. She slowly completed the dance, coming out of the arch, extending the leg, then down. She exited the stage feeling transformed. She had been held by her Creator. She had known his approval. She had reflected his beauty and his likeness. She was living her purpose. She was alive. And she was in love.

Whole and Healed

2011-07-16T13:35:00.001-07:00

The darkness seeps in like a thief in the night
It overtakes the light, silent without a fight
How can it win, when I’m hidden in Him?
I question this life, this hope, why I live
And confusion creeps in, telling me I’ll always sin
I hear the lies but no words, they just shape my life
Overcome by deception, no way out of my plight
Where is the truth? Does what I’m hearing got proof?
Where to turn, where to look
You say Your Face is everywhere, but I can’t see it

But You reach down, grab my darkened heart
So I know You never left, I just felt we were apart
The light blazes, instantly overtaking the darkness
It stands no chance when my mind and heart believe
When I can see again, and hope remains my friend
Your love always pulls me through, I know I can trust You
With every broken piece, every false identity
For when You speak the truth I hear and I declare
That I am different than what I thought, ‘cus those were only lies
You’ll never leave my side, I’ll follow you to the end
Jesus, you’ll always be my Brother and my closest Friend
One I can rely on, lean on, depend on
And Your light, Your truth will trump the darkness that tries to steal
The life You’ve given me through Your blood, which can never be concealed
In You I am whole and healed.

Going Back...

2011-07-03T22:19:00.001-07:00

Never give up. Be a history maker. You are a hero in your generation. Worship with abandon. Give your life to the cause of the Gospel.
This is what I grew up hearing. I heard it from my parents, I heard it in my school. In my church. I heard it calling to me in the music I worshipped to.
I believe God prompted me to pull out an old Noel Richards tape. No, that wasn’t a typo. I really mean tape. I think sometimes we disqualify some spirit led authentic music merely because of its antiquity. I grew up listening to Noel Richards and others like him, on fire, radical passionate men and women whose mantra was “We will never back down. We’re in love with God and we are not afraid to tell the world.” As a little child, I heard that coming through the songs they sang and sang along to myself. They almost became anthems of the spiritual life of my childhood. We’re dangerous people. Keep on praying. I do believe. I’m gonna be a history maker. Dance in the River. Simple truths and analogies that captured the heart of a simple little girl.
I remember when I was little and I was at a worship service at church. I remember this specific moment when I was watching a lady worshipping. She was so passionate, so wrapped up in praising her Lord, and it struck me. I wondered how someone could be so excited about God. Little did I know that I would grow to gain a more full understanding and gratefulness for all God is and did for me, but in that moment, my heart began to seek. I remember other times of worship when there was just this sense of wonder. I felt at home; I felt like it was all right somehow. I remember when the songs, or in reality, the Holy Spirit, caused me to worship, and I didn’t always know why.
But God was awakening my little heart. I felt like I was joining a movement, something really important that I knew I would be a part of my whole life. Over time, it became more exciting, and I began to understand how people could get so excited about God, even more than ice cream or sleepovers or vacations. I know that He was doing something big at that time when I was a little child in the 90’s. I know I’m young, and to some, that was not that long ago at all. You are adults now perhaps, and you were adults then, like my parents. I know you saw things that I didn’t. It’s just interesting because children see the world in a unique way. I don’t remember everything, but I can remember the sense of wonder. The sense of being a part of something great. An exciting adventure that I was born for. The incredible truth is, I’m still a part of it. Only my perspectives have changed.
Perhaps I need to get some of them back.

My Journey of Seeing

2011-06-05T20:05:00.001-07:00

Each time something significant comes to an end, I realize more and more how much it really isn’t the end. High school graduation was the first end. That felt like nothing I’d ever experienced before. Exciting, but emotional and uncertain, with a lot of insecurities lingering inside. Then came the end of being a student in Master’s Commission. It felt like the end of my life at the time. Overly emotional, a sense of loss but gain, lots of crying, for days. I didn’t know how I could go on without those covenant friends around me 24/7. But God drew me, and slowly but surely I could see it was not the end. Oklahoma was next. Leadership. A hard year, for sure. When that ended, there remained some regret, a lot of fear about the future and what it would look like to come home after so long. But I did begin to see that there was a lot ahead of me to look forward to, I just was afraid because I could not see it clearly. Coming home turned out to be one of the most difficult seasons. I missed people and the state terribly, but the hope of looking forward to the School of Prophetic Arts kept me going. (It was really God that kept me going all the time, of course.) After the first year of SPA, I understood even more how it was not the end. It was still only the beginning of all God wants to release in and through my life. I realized how much training I still needed to be all God wants me to be. I was being propelled into my calling. This time, I just knew it was not the end of SPA. I had to do another year. And I had to take dance. There was something in it for me I knew I could not pass up. Well, I have no regrets. And even though in some ways it does feel like an end, this time I know it’s not. I am being launched. Once again, I cannot see everything absolutely clearly in my future, but this time I know I am not lost. God is faithful, as He has always been, but my eyes are finally open more than ever to that fact. All I have to do is trust in His good plan and His higher ways. There is grace for every moment, if I take every step in obedience to His voice. I am not afraid anymore. I will take this world by storm with the love of God, His way, in His time, for His glory. It’s only the beginning. I am so grateful. I am overwhelmed.

Beautiful

2011-04-14T15:17:00.000-07:00

Dry, crusty ground
No life to be found
She kneels down undone
Surrendered, broken, her head to the dust
Tears break through
And wet the desolate earth
A tiny sign of life

Her heart speaks:
I am broken
A daughter yes, but I see what I am
Without Him
My pulse lacks life
Unless He’s near.
I cannot fear
I cannot hide
I must embrace exposure
And let your life grow inside

A simple breath
She knows He’s near
All around is lifeless
But He whispers in her ear
This whisper produces hope
And where once a tear had soaked
A stem begins to appear

A sign of life!
She can hardly believe
That Father could grow
Something out of her zero point

Slowly she rises
Aching, but looking towards
Her source of life.
He shines down light
And her eyes come alive

She lifts one arm
Now the other
Her feet shift and begin to move
Now she’s spinning
Laughter overtaking her
And the stem becomes a flower

As she dances around
It grows higher
And shoots colors
She’s never known
Into the atmosphere
Until everywhere
There is life and growth

She dances now in freedom
Her smile aglow
Basking in the beauty
That only He could have made
Out of the broken shell that she was.

“You make beautiful things, you make beautiful things out of the dust. Oh, you make beautiful things, you make beautiful things out of us…” by Gungor

Shouts of Deliverance

2011-04-03T23:05:00.000-07:00

“You are a hiding place for me; you preserve me from trouble; you surround me with shouts of deliverance.
Selah.”
-Psalm 32:7

A whisper erupted deep from her soul. “You are my hiding place…”
Her throat burning, the tears finally escaped their fragile prison. The fear weighing down her heart like physical pressure was too much to bear. She had nowhere left to go, and they were coming. She could hear her pursuers, but she was incapable of getting away. She herself was in a prison, a fortified one built strong over years and years of decision and unfortunate generational circumstances. Now, though she tried to run from her enemies, she had come to a wall—the wall she knew she would reach but wanted to deny it. But now, facing it, she couldn’t. Looking up, she could see no end—it seemed to reach to the heavens and beyond.
She knew one thing in her life. There was One who was faithful, always. It was to Him she now whispered. She should have turned to him earlier, before things got out of hand, but her ego and self-dependence kept her from admitting her weakness. One thing about this Man was that one must receive His help, being willing to admit dependence even in times of strength. She now knew she was never truly strong on her own. She gave in to temptations every time until her “friends” revealed themselves as her enemies, right when it was too late to escape. She had built this world for herself. Born into it in one sense, but cultivating it her whole life until it consumed. She didn’t “reverse the curse” when she had the chance.
Her heart beat wildly as a storm began to stir the atmosphere. The trees nearby trembled in anticipation of the violent gusts, and the debris from the ground whirled around her like a mini tornado. Her pursuers were yelling, not too far off now, though she couldn’t make out what they were saying. A storm. Would this kill her, or would her enemies? Her fear only doubled.
“You are my hiding place.” A brief calm lit up her heart, and she became aware of her breathing, which gave her hope. It was born, as if shooting out from seed, within her, while all around chaos, fear, and uncertainty reigned in their kingdom. She opened her eyes, and the storm picked up, whipping her hair into her eyes. She ran into the haven of the trees on her right, seeking to escape the wrath of the wind, hoping to hide from the ruthlessness of her enemies.
Then, piercing through her heightened panic, she saw a rock located on a small hill, not too far away into this forest. Focusing her eyes, she could see there was an opening. It was some sort of cave. A proper hideout? Once again, hope fluttered in her heart at the notion.
“You are my hiding place!” she said it to affirm this hope that unrelentingly kept poking its head out of the grave that was her life. She headed for the cave, determination rising up, ignoring the shouts and insults of her pursuers. For they were voices she could do without, always taunting, trying to drown out His voice with accusation after accusation.
No—she would not look back in fear. She would move toward her provided safety until she reached it.
The wind was against her. It knocked her to the ground several times, growing stronger every minute. But the cave was getting bigger in her sight, and she felt His hand guiding her there.
She finally arrived at the entrance to the cave, almost out of breath, but using the remaining air she had in her lungs to let out short bursts of laughter. The opening to the cave was wide enough for her to easily crawl into, but low enough to hide her from anyone’s sight and protect her from the harsh winds. She ducked inside. It was pitch dark, but there was light in her soul. She knew this was provision from the faithful One.
“You are my hiding place.” She waited in stillness for the storm to pass and for her enemies to finally give up their search. But she could now make out their screams more clearly. They were tempting her, taunting her, trying to evoke a response from her. But she said not a word, despite the pull. Here in this hiding place she could think more clearly, without distraction. She knew if she responded to the threats or to the promising alluring “pleasures” her pursuers offered, she would regret it, because she always did. The voices kept coming.
Until beauty pervaded the atmosphere. She caught her breath at the sound. It was a full-throated yell, fierce, furious, full of conviction and passion. It eradicated all the other voices, as if they had all shriveled up and died instantly. The beauty of the yell pierced her soul and awakened her spirit. It was a war call, an anthem of deliverance that seemed to go on for several minutes. She let herself drown in it. Transformation was carried in that voice. And she knew this—this was for her. This was the Man called Love. The faithful One. The voice carried on for however long He saw fit, then stopped, as if on cue.
Sweet silence engulfed her. No more wind, no more voices. Peace. She knew she was changed, standing there in that cave.
Then, to her shock, a hand reached through the opening. She could see it, for the light it cast overcame the darkness of the haven. It was wounded. It was inviting her to step out. When she did, the man to whom the hand belonged embraced her firmly, and they both exchanged tears of joy. Love had gotten His beloved back. Then he spoke with authority, moving her onto a new path she would tread for eternity.
“The storm had to come, child, in order to lead you to the hiding place. Nothing that comes is without reason, and I am always with you. Now, go, listen to my voice, and bring my Kingdom to reign in this world I have placed you in. You have come home!” Joy lit up His eyes.

Father, my home is You. Selah.

The Take Over

2011-03-29T21:13:00.000-07:00

He was at the end. He had nothing to give, nowhere to go, nothing to say. This moment was the culmination of his life up to this point—a time to reflect. A time to regret. To regret not giving more when he could have. Now it seemed his one gift to the world would be to rid it of his presence.
He was not a man without love. No—he had more love in his fragile heart now than he had ever had before. He loved his world. He shared its pains and loads, heartbreaks and tender moments. He was like anyone else. But he could not help anyone else. He lost his chance. No one trusted him enough to even receive from him. He was an outcast. It was a world full of outcasts, though. This he now knew.
Oh how he longed, standing on the edge of the rocky cliff, to be able to do something great—to make some dent in the world. But his absence would be the biggest dent, for the people who knew him would be relieved. Relief was a gift so many needed. And the people who didn’t know him would never have to.
Wrong thinking? Maybe. But there was really nothing left. He could no longer see into the future—he had no future. He had tried everything and failed.
Spent. Empty. Lost.
He sank to the ground. The sun was setting, casting orange hues on the rock he knelt on. He could see his own shadow, taunting him. Why? Why didn’t you become a better person? Now you are only a shadow of your potential self, and you can never regain what you lost.
His now grown out hair blew in the wind. The air was fresh, but he didn’t want to breathe. The beauty around him threatened to tug at his heart, to pull him back into life somehow, but he resisted. Bowing his head, he slowly sank lower until his forehead touched the rough ground, no doubt leaving indents in his flesh. But that was the last thing he was aware of. As the memories flashed through his mind, the faces of the people he had hurt, the sobs overtook him, body and soul. He cried into the dust, his tears joining creation and becoming one more mark of a pained soul in this desperate world. Just one more. Would anyone care? Could his tears change anything?
He cried for the twins. He cried for Sarah. He cried for Mom and Dad. He cried for the homeless man whom he had always ignored until it was too late and he was found dead on the street. He cried for the brokenness of humanity, the brokenness of his own soul. He didn’t know how long he knelt or how long the sobs coursed through his body, but he didn’t try to stop it. No—something needed to be finished here. These tears must write the end of his story.
A sudden awareness of another presence awakened his heart. He took a deep breath and let out one last sob, a loud one. But he did not raise himself from the ground. He did not even have the strength to walk to the edge and jump. Apparently this would be his resting place. Maybe his own sorrow would kill him.
Stillness.
A whisper of movement, then a hovering.
Gentle contact.
Someone was on top of him, like a light blanket, almost comforting.
A perfect covering.
The man called Asher was no more. Another had taken his place. They breathed together as the wind stilled, and for once in his life Asher felt at peace. It was good to know he could not be seen, even if no one was around to see him.
Did he know this presence? It was somehow familiar, but new at the same time.
A voice came. Soft, but strong with conviction.
“My son, you have come to the end of yourself. This is how it must be. You must become nothing so I can become everything. Then, life will spring forth!”
Asher didn’t respond. What could he say? Wasn’t he already reduced to nothing?
“Let go, Asher. Let go of the regret and the pain. For even in holding onto those things you are still trying to grasp at meaning with your own effort.”
He began to cry again, this presence on his back becoming weightier. It was heavy, a relentless pressure but still comforting. Now a whisper.
“Surrender!”
The weight of the word caused him to lay flat on his stomach. Then—from somewhere deep inside, a guttural scream burst forth—
“I give uuuuuuuup!!” He said it into the earth, but it reverberated throughout the canyon, echoing back to his own ears. Then the strangest thing happened. It was as if the presence that was with him now became part of him. He had become something other than himself. He was lifted up from the ground and placed on his feet with a renewed vigor, a stronger heart. He looked down at the rocky surface that had recently become his altar, and one remnant tear escaped from his cheek and fell to the ground. Asher smiled, and it felt like breaking out of prison. He looked out to the beautiful horizon one last time, painted orange and purple and crimson, then turned and walked away into his new life.
Sometime later Asher, now reunited with his twin daughters and his wife Sarah, now living a life laid down for others, returned to the spot of his “take over,” as he called it. It was his first time returning to the sight since that night. And there, right where he had laid and cried, was a lone rose amidst the rocks. It was a color he had never seen before, as if from Heaven itself, and it stood out against everything around it. Life. Asher smiled to himself and thanked God that out of death had come life. He would make his dent in the world, and mercy would be the song he would sing.

Stirring

2011-03-22T22:09:00.001-07:00

God is stirring within me. I won’t mask him, I won’t call him something else. Because when I invited him into my life, he came in. And now he is stirring. He lives inside, so when he breathes, I breathe. Sometimes I breathe differently because I forget to let him live. What a tragedy.
God died voluntarily to give us life—his life. If we think we are living when he is not, we are wrong. Dead wrong. So either we are dead or alive.
When God stirs, I must allow it. I must let him come all the way through, for only then will my life have any meaning or make any positive difference.
I am waiting. I am letting him grab a hold of my heart and make it beat again. It beats with beauty, it beats with pain, but it only beats when his touch lingers or his fingers work the blood through it.
Sometimes I think God cries, and usually we are not aware. I think he cries when we forget about him, or when we push him away because we believe we are not good enough for his love, or we don’t feel good about ourselves. I think he cries when we are insecure. I mean, how painful would it be if, with all your heart you desire to love someone, even to the point of being willing to die for them, and they don’t know it, or they forgot about your immense love, or they reject you out of their own pain. Where will your love go? You will still love, but that love will not find its proper home.
I want to let God make my heart beat. I am weak. I sin. I am selfish and I make multiple mistakes per day. But God does not change. If I don’t let him love me, I hinder the change I want to see in me and others.
I want to let God’s tears move me. I want to cry with him for those who have not yet seen, who have not yet known the intensity of his love.
Stir, God. Stir within—awaken me. Because if I want to truly live, you must come out. Thank you for your love. I commit to knowing it better, to seeking it out day by day as one starving.
I want to be like you.

Cover

2011-03-08T14:04:00.001-08:00

What do you see?
What do you see??
Do you see my heart beating?
I feel it is dead
It is dead without Him
So please don’t see me

My weakness so plain
It weighs on my soul
But why do I care
If it’s for You, I’m told?

I want to be held
I want to be loved
I can only do so much
I’ve got to give up

Being loved is enough
Knowing Him is enough
I want to please Him
But I already do

My heart must believe
My soul must give in
To His relentless faithfulness
In the face of my reckless sin

My heart is so hard
I have a critical eye
I have negative words
My flesh needs to die

But You never fail
You’re strong and unmoved
So I am still used

I can’t comprehend
Your love so vast
It’s hard to believe
That You look past
But I guess to be
A good person at all
I’ve got to believe
That You are All

Shame and Art

2011-02-17T12:02:00.001-08:00

We are each infused with the life and nature of our Creator, made in His image, set apart from all other creatures to think, speak, and live like God. Not to be God, but to be reflections of Him. How far we have fallen. Right? That’s what we would say. What a shame, what Eve did, what she made Adam do, that we now have fallen so far away from our original purpose. What a shame that we cannot be as we once were—whole, pure sons and daughters who lived in intimate fellowship with the One who breathes life into everything and who loves radically and infinitely.

What a shame.

And yet, something deep inside calls to us, pulls out of us a desire for things beyond this realm, for a life we seem to know but have never experienced. Many of us turn to art and creativity to try to express these deep unfulfilled longings. We are trying to get back to who we really are; we are trying to find the One we first fell in love with.

But we are ashamed.

Nothing comes out quite right. There are walls seemingly surrounding us, people gloating over us, failures and weaknesses taunting us. Sins we cannot master over.
A friend recently told me of a time she was talking to a leader in a church. This leader said that one of the biggest issues and hindrances plaguing our generation of Christian young people is shame. What an obstacle this has been! I think I know without even having to ask that we have all hid our faces in shame multiple times, probably even within the past week. And it is keeping us from moving forward, from emerging, from living beyond the status quo! Our destinies are being jeopardized by shame!
We want God to use us, we want to create beautiful things just like He does, we want to find His heart in our prophetic creations. But shame holds us back. We think we are not good enough to be used, that we have too many fears, make too many mistakes.

Why can’t we get past this?

It is because we feel like there is something wrong with us. We need the revelation that God knows we will mess up! But He does not see us that way. If we are born again, He truly only sees His Son. Because that is what He chose to see. And when He sees His Son, who gave up everything for His heart and glory, He cannot help but love. So you see, His love is never taken from us. If we will only confess our sins in openness and surrender them to His great love, He will take them from us. For good.

Shame is an unnecessary block to our growth.
It is a needless enemy to our creativity.

God can and will use all our broken pieces from our messed up lives to bring about good in our generation.
They are waiting. You know who some of them are, you don’t know who others are. But they are waiting for the sons and daughters of God to be revealed.
Let the Creator use your brokenness to set our generation free! Only He can do something so amazing. Stop hiding behind shame, because Jesus looks at us as if we have never sinned. There is no limit to what He can do with that!

Beginning

2011-02-07T14:46:00.000-08:00

I'm at the end. I can feel the last fibers of the rope roughly slipping through my grasp. My weakness is amplified by the second as my only hope becomes mere threads. I know I will fall. And yet I hold on anyway. It is simply too daring to believe that there is anything beyond the yawning abyss below me. I am frightened, for what will happen when I lose control and fall into the unknown? Now only one fiber remains in my sweating fist, and I want to give up. Maybe what is down there is better than this barely surviving state. My shoulders ache, and my whole body is parched. I cannot take the pressure of hanging on any longer--it has consumed my focus, sucked life from me. Maybe the unknown could in fact be a glaring opportunity for adventure--a whole new realm where creativity thrives and true love pulses through hearts that are alive. A place where beauty awakens destiny and purpose. Will I find my Creator if I only let go? I'm at the end--so I have a decision to make. Will I let it happen to me so I confess my wrong because it is the only thing left to do, or will I willingly give up because I know already I have always been at the end of myself? I've heard it said that at the end of yourself is a beautiful place to begin. Well, here goes. I'm letting go. Creator--consume me! I'm falling into your abyss. I don't know what I will find, but I'm ready to be overtaken. I can't do this anymore, so I surrender to your love.

Fill

2011-01-17T20:54:00.000-08:00

The pain wrought by life
Inflicting desperate souls
Tires aching hearts
Who can find their home?

No place where we belong
The love we find soon grows old
When will it ever stop?
Surrounded, why do we feel alone?

Pressed in on every side
Fake smiles exchanged, implying hope
Touches linger for moments
We wish we could hold

But we lose our grip before we can
Understand what it’s for
The memories fade
And somehow only pain remains

We look for something real
Every day, a search
But by setting of the sun
We forget why we even started

What can fill our aching hearts?
Who will hold us when we hurt?
Are we doomed to emptiness all our days?
Or is there hope that lingers, a sun with lasting rays?

Why would this question remain
If not there be an answer?
Why do our hearts awaken
At times, if no hope exists?

The calling of our Maker
Resounds inside each soul
We won’t find rest until
We know He is our home

So let Him love you now
Tell Him how you feel
When you open up
Every wound He will heal

He’s calling out your name
It is not you who can save
His mercy chooses, in pain
To reach to you, for your own gain

Give your life to Him
And your suffering will not be in vain
For He is worth the tears
And He’ll remain, through all your years.

I Am

2011-01-17T15:02:00.001-08:00

I know the greatest story of all. I do not boast with conceit, for I do not consider myself to be the most qualified to tell of this story. Nevertheless, I know it. It is the greatest because it is the truest, proclaiming a longed for hope for all of mankind and the entire universe.
This story begins with an artist. An artist possessing many names, the most all-inclusive being I Am. This artist named I Am existed before time began, existed before anything else began. He was the origin of all life, of all meaning and purpose. He was the Three-in-one, living in intimate fellowship as the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. He was fulfilled—he had no needs, though his heart was bursting with desires. He was so happy with his intimacy in relationship that he just had to give it away, to share it. He was an artist, after all, so in divine creativity he made something that never existed before—the galaxies and the Earth. He took great delight in creating so many different elements, species, and forms of life, with so many different colors, shapes, designs, textures, and purposes.
But his most prized creation was man.
Man would share in the sweet fellowship belonging to the Three-in-one. Man was made in the very image of I Am. Man would have a deeper purpose, a higher greatness, than he himself could even know.
But there existed evil. I Am did not create it—it was the disobedient choice of a high-ranking heavenly being who allowed pride to steal his devotion to the Originator. Lucifer was his name. Lucifer, now embodying evil itself, needed somewhere to spend his passions, his unfulfilled desires. So he chose I Am’s favorite creation, man, to corrupt.
Sadly, man fell for the deceptive beauty of Lucifer in Paradise, where he was tempted to disobey I Am’s single command. The one evil act led to another, and another, until man’s appetite for evil seemed to overtake his desire for intimacy with his Creator. The world was corrupted, and Lucifer thought he won the great battle.
But it was only the beginning.
I Am could not bear to be separated from his prized creation because of their evil choices. He was Love itself, unwilling to relent his deep passion for sharing his intimacy and fellowship. So he did the most painful, most humble thing of all—he sent the Son to become a man, from birth to death, fully man, yet fully the great I Am. His name was Jesus Christ.
He came to identify with man, to love the ones who hungered for evil, to teach the ways of the Father, to remind man of his original identity and destiny to walk with the Creator, to truly live. But man did not understand or refused to accept the teachings of I Am’s Son. Because it did not make sense to them that I Am would appear in human form they rejected his life-giving message and sentenced him to die.
But you see, it was I Am’s plan all along. There must be blood to atone for man’s sinful nature. It was the only way for man to again live in fellowship with the Creator. So The Father allowed the Son to be crucified, and to bear the burden of every sin in his own soul. I Am himself, the perfect one who always was, took man’s share of shame, blame, and punishment, just so he could be with him forever. But it was not the end.
Jesus rose from the grave, proclaiming victory and hope for generations of men to come. It is a high cost to follow I Am, but an even higher one to not. For what can we do when we know what it is we were created for? Is he worth everything to us? Can’t we give him everything we have, after he spent everything for us? It is truly the least we can do.
The story continues. Step in and discover your role.

Moved

2011-01-06T14:31:00.000-08:00

I am moved by the breath of my Creator. My spirit opens up, and my body moves, guided by a strong hand at my back. I depend on him. I take risks, knowing he is holding me. I am safe with him. No evil can touch me. For when I open my heart to him, he invades me but guards me from negative influences. When I am closed to him, I am open to darkness.

Soften my heart of stone
Tear open my beating heart
So it beats for you alone
Open my unseeing eyes
So you can guide me on the path that’s right
So I can see your beauty is greater
Than the biggest obstacle
Beyond the realm of fantasy
Your glory
Your beauty
Your impossibility
Is what’s real
Move me
In your dance
For when I move in your presence
I know I am alive
You are good news
For we long for something real
Something beautiful
Something to inspire us
And you are real
And you are beyond our wildest imaginations
Right here
Right now
Taking us into your heart
Plumbing the depths of your love
Open me up
Close me off
To what’s evil and dark
So I can be the light you speak of

Helpless

2010-12-21T15:32:00.001-08:00

Take me off guard
Catch me unsheltered
Encounter me exposed
So I can’t resist
But I helplessly melt
Under your ruthless pressure
A scream is boiling up
From deep deep inside
For I can do nothing
Until this intensity subsides
The pain becomes unbearable
But I don’t want to budge
Until you’ve done what you came for
And I am utterly undone
Love my dying heart
With your relentless hand
Diffuse the evil within
Until my flesh is dead and you win
Come to me unveiled
So I can see the fierce beauty
Of your holiness and purity
Where all I’ve done that’s good
Is put to shame
Where all I am without you
Is worthless and to blame
I bend involuntarily
While your glory undoes me
Yet I am fully content
For I’ve been met
By the power of my Maker
By a love this world knows not
And through the pain of my dying
I find life
A life a never knew possible
So meet me unguarded
Yank my heart to yours before I pull back
So I can’t breathe on my own
So all I am is all I lack
For only in you do I count any gain
Only for you can I endure this pain
Only in your love will I never be the same
You capture me and give me your name

The End of Me

2010-11-24T21:00:00.000-08:00

I held his hand.
A simple gesture, and yet it changed my life.

I didn’t realize how often I had overlooked significant moments in my life until the day I had come to my end. I still had everything: money, friends, something to be a part of, possessions. But this was the day I came to see how empty I would be without the Love of my world, without my Creator’s spirit pulsing life through my chest. I felt, for the briefest moment, that He had left me, and everything fell apart. Confusion reigned in the domain of my soul. I couldn’t look anyone in the eyes and tell the truth, I couldn’t receive consolation from my friends. No one cared, and I didn’t expect them to. I had utterly failed. I didn’t even know what the truth was anymore, and I never, never thought I would come to this point. Everything had always been handed to me, generously, everything I based my life on. But what would I do when the choice was mine?

Throw it all away.

See, I hadn’t paid for it—someone else had. And I didn’t understand the price they paid. Frankly I didn’t care. I thought I cared, but when it came down to it, my own reputation and comfort was more important to me than anything. Well, not anymore. Not after my eyes were opened to the hideousness of my ways, to the rebellion in my soul, and the way I had hurt the ones I claimed to love the most. The confusion was eating me alive, and I didn’t know what to do. Until I let Him speak and reveal what was so obvious.

I had failed.
But.

But—He already knew I would. He knew this when He gave His life for me, years ago. He knew I would break His heart and hurt His other children, but He still gave His blood for me. I was covered. All I had to do was accept what had already been done.
But how? I was racked with guilt. What should I do?

Receiving my pardon will be your most humbling act.

That’s what He said, and I knew He was right. When I chose then and there, kneeling on the floor, alienated from the rest of the human race, to let His love flood my heart, the shame was lifted and I saw Him for who He really was. Kind. Merciful. A Creator who paid the ultimate price for His creation. The one to whom I owed my life, not the one who I was entitled to partake of.

I saw Him then.

He looked right at me with the deepest eyes of love, and He drew me right into His story. He said I would have to pay a price, but that it would be worth it. Well, I had come to the end of myself—what did I have to lose?

I took His hand.
Actually, He took mine.

Have you ever held your Creator’s hand? You would know if you have. For your life would never be the same. Grab on. He’s already reaching for you.

Lost

2010-11-23T20:32:00.000-08:00

You fill the sky
With wonderful splendor
The angels sing and stand in awe
Of beauty beyond this world
And I stand speechless
Lost in your eyes
The forgotten sensation
Fills me now
This is what I’m made for
Hold me now
Hold me forever

You fill my heart
With glorious life
I see your world
It lies beyond the naked eye
But tonight I know
You are here
Tonight I know
You have always been near
Times past and times present
And days yet to come
You’ll be by my side
Until I am undone

Your mercy undoes me
Your look pierces me
I cannot retreat
When it is you I meet
My flesh protests
But my spirit cries yes!
You overpower
My soul in this hour

I yearn to know you God
I want to live with you
Seeing beyond what can be seen
Hearing more than forgotten religion
For you are true
More true now than in my past
So I will not leave
I will embrace this heavenly beauty
And know the life
That makes me who I am

Longing

2010-11-17T15:53:00.001-08:00

My longing heart
Beats inside
Not always steady
But always seeking
For the life
That I must find

You are my
Desperation
The fire in your eyes
Fuels my hunger
And I must linger
In your holiness
Until I have you
Until I see
What life is meant to be

You are my passion
My full desire
I don’t want to sit here
And let the lies grow higher
But I want to see
The Truth shine brighter

You are my life
And I am finding
That when I know you
I am my truest self

Let me be lost
Cus I’m waiting to be found
By a truth and holy fire
That will meet this heart’s cry

I don’t want to deny
Your power or your love
No limitations
Will bind the spirit of the Living God
And you live in me
This I must really see.
Help me to believe!

Jason Castro's "Who I Am" Music | CBN.com

2010-11-17T13:49:00.000-08:00

Jason Castro's "Who I Am" Music | CBN.com

I was just looking up some information about this new album by Jason Castro, because I really liked him on American Idol, and this is supposed to be his "Christian" debut album. There is one thing I wanted to point out that I disagree with in this interview. Castro says there is a difference between a worship leader and an entertainer. This is not true. Whether we follow God or not, all of our art is worship. So, if we seek to glorify God, we are being a "worship leader" in our art, in which the subject of our worship is God. However, if we do not follow God, whether we know it or not, there is another something or someone we are worshiping in our art, whether it's ourselves, our fans, our boyfriend/girlfriend, money, or whatever our focus may be. So, maybe Jason Castro is just not thinking along these lines. But I would venture to say that if he truly does seek to glorify God with his music, he really is a worship leader. Let us hope so. We need people to take their place and boldly speak of who is their all-consuming Life. We need a generation of no compromise, who clearly hears and follows God's voice, unashamed. Raise us up God!

Cry for the Sound of Heaven

2010-11-12T16:06:00.001-08:00

What are you saying?
What are you doing?
Cus I’ve got to know
I have to know
For this fire inside will not burn out

My seeking heart is getting closer
Closer to answers
Closer to reality
But there is so much more I can’t see yet
But please, I want it
I want it more than my next breath

This desperate child is on her knees
On her face seeking you
My heart won’t shut down
Not until I’ve found
The love I was made for
The purpose to die for

My desperate soul is crying out
For touches of Heaven
For touches of freedom
And I don’t want to move
No, I don’t want to move
Because I’m right here with you
Just beginning to see

You’ve brought me through so much
And I don’t deny what you’ve done
But my heart has died momentarily
And I need a permanent resurrection

I’m made to live with passion
Who cares if I’m different than this world
I’m meant to jump off this cliff
Deny my self
Let go of these lies
All I want is the Truth

So I’m seeking your power
A desperate child on her knees
On her face
And I don’t want to move
I don’t want to move
Until I see your face
Know your love
And am sent on my way

Give me the words
To open up the lost
Give me the touch
To embrace the broken
Give me the eyes
To see what you see
Give me the ears
To hear the sound of Heaven!

It's Your Turn

2010-10-12T15:44:00.000-07:00

I saw the hand, but I wouldn’t take it. To me it was ugly, fearful, even threatening. It had a gaping hole in it, and I feared that if I made contact, the same might happen to me. I couldn’t see the face attached to it. I could only see the hand. I didn’t know where to go, what to do. There was darkness all around, and I couldn’t shake the feeling that if I took another step forward, I would fall into a deep abyss. Death itself may have been waiting for me at the bottom if I trudged ahead. My fear kept me stationary, and my confusion made me blind. I forgot about the hand reaching through the blackness. I put an imaginary wall before me so I would not have to look at it, so I could keep making excuses for why it was so hard to move forward. I didn’t want to take the hand or let it touch me, for fear of the unknown.
So I simply did not do anything.
Until my longings surfaced. I yearned for freedom, wanted inspiration. I began to dream. I even imagined myself doing things I never thought I could do—dancing, flying, speaking and making dead things come to life.
And I saw the hand again. Its appearance had not changed, but I felt as though it was an opportunity this time. It was a chance to be free, to move forward. I feared the gaping hole still, because I didn’t want to catch that painful disease. But I felt a deep sadness as I thought of how I might be missing out on the greatest opportunity of my life—on the chance to fulfill the dreams in my spirit.
So I took the hand in faith.
But I still could not see the face.
I took a few steps forward, breathing in deeply, relieved and excited that I did not fall to my death, that maybe good things did wait for me further on. I took small steps, each a risk in itself, reminding myself to hang onto the hand whatever happened. Yet at times I let go, and still I tried to take steps forward, but they were strained, my heart was heavy, and I constantly felt like giving up or beating myself up because I wasn’t doing good enough.
But the hand did not disappear.
So I would take it again and keep walking, this time freer than before.
Soon I found I was not satisfied. I was tired of walking in this darkness, doing the same things over and over, only seeing and feeling the hand and not the rest of who it belonged to. So I began to speak. I asked this unknown person to show himself. I wanted to know who he was, in reality, not just making up my own perceptions of what I thought he was like.
When I asked him, he spoke.
He said, “I have always been with you. I am your Creator. I am the originator of your dreams and your longings. You cannot do this without me.”
I marveled at the tender but strong words and gradually let the imaginary wall down. I wanted to see all of him. I wanted to see what he was doing, so maybe I could do it too.
The wall came down.
I saw his face.
His eyes were deep. They seemed to reach into my soul and whisper reassurance. His hands were strong. They held me close to his chest to I could hear his heart beating. His heart beat to a steady rhythm. There was no fear in this man, only love. Love emanated from his being and slowly worked its way into my own heart. I never wanted to leave him, and I never wanted him to leave me. As if responding to my thoughts, he gently said,
“I won’t.”
I wept.
I wept because I realized that all this time, I had feared the absence of his presence. But even when I rejected his hand, or denied it was there to lead me or help me, he didn’t leave. Even when it hurt to stand still or to move on, or when I hated myself for being such a loser, he never left. And the gaping holes in his hands told me that he meant what he said.
Over time, I began to watch him more. I could see him dancing, flying, speaking to giants and mountains and making them move, healing broken hearts with soft touches.
Then he called me to do something new. Something I wanted deeply in my heart but yet was unsure if I was able to execute.
He did it before I ever had to.
Then he said, “It’s your turn, daughter.”
And he smiled.
That was all I needed.

Journey

2010-10-10T22:14:00.000-07:00

Take the journey
I’ve made a way
You can’t see too far ahead
But I am already there
Knowing every care
Every hurt, every blow
To your heart along the road
I felt it too, when I took the journey
Long ago
I know every break
I know every joy
I can’t bear it when I see
The times you don’t believe
For it pains you
And it was never meant to be
Believe, child
Stand up
Keep walking
Soon you will fly
Because there is victory
In the blood I shed
Walk through the dark night
Look to the day!
Only brightness lies ahead
Rise above the fray!
All you have to do
Is seek my hand
Take it, hold on
And I will never let go
And you will see my face
And you will live by my grace
Until your journey
Is filled with my delight
For all you see
Is my fiery gaze
The all-consuming Fire
The First and the Last
I remain
So fix your eyes
On the Holy One
Who bore your shame
And this life
Will not leave you lame.

Why Do I Dance?

2010-10-05T16:39:00.000-07:00

This is to remind myself of why I'm pursuing the training and to keep God's dream alive.
I dance because movement stirs the atmosphere. It awakens dreams and purpose, and it exposes desires of the heart. Dance changes things. It breaks chains and releases freedom instead. When I dance at times I can feel God’s breath, his heartbeat, or his very movements. When we move together, there’s no telling what could happen! There is power when we dance with God, when we dance the moves he tells us to. I dance because it speaks. It tells testimonies, stories, declares victories, and shouts beauty. I dance because my King loves it when I worship with my full self. Not only with my heart and mind, but with all my strength. I dance because I can feel his delight, because I am his daughter. I dance because he told me to, and when I keep dancing when he says to keep dancing, I don’t want to stop. Dance carries momentum; it unifies. It softens hard hearts. It breaks down walls. When I dance, I am free, and my movements have powerful potential to set others free. This is why I dance.

When All is Given

2010-09-26T15:52:00.000-07:00

There’s a song in my chest
There’s a dance in my spirit
An adventurous quest
He’s calling me to it

I feel the joy in my heart
His rhythm in my soul
Now I’ll smile and shine
Until I am whole

He has gripped me
He has captured
Now I can spin in his love
For I am enraptured

He’s holding me close
But his heart drums wild
I can feel his excitement
When I believe I’m his child

His delight pierces
Every lie, every fear
Until I am his
And I have no other care

His love is breaking through
His truth rules all
When I step off the edge
He’s breaking my fall

Lowly Nobility

2010-09-12T22:37:00.000-07:00

How do we make a difference in this world? Are you willing to go somewhere with me? Who needs to be loved today? Can you think of anyone? Who feels worthless, unlovable, and dirty? You are the same. You are. The only difference may be that you know that you are loved and have a purpose and a place here on this planet. But do you really know? Because if you did, maybe it wouldn’t be so hard to love those who think no one will ever truly love them. Love the unlovely. I may be bold, but I can almost guarantee you this will set you free in a way that nothing else ever can. Look for the treasure amongst the dirt. What you find may astonish you—it may open up your heart in ways you have never anticipated or even wanted. It might hurt, yes. But you have to ask yourself if loving someone is worth the pain. God Himself did. And the answer was yes. How can we act any differently than the King of this world? In His reality, embracing the filthy, the smelly, the ugly, and the lowly is true nobility. So before you ever call yourself a child of the King again, a prince or a princess of the Kingdom, please, let me challenge you by having you ask yourself these questions: Who am I loving today? And am I loving them because it is easy, or have I chosen, like the One who has done the same for me, to love even the ones that may hate me or have no lovely quality about them? Don’t get me wrong, I myself am challenged by this most noble of callings. But I must be found faithful to my God, who gave everything for me.

Outlive your Life, a book review

2010-09-10T11:20:00.001-07:00

“Outlive Your Life” by Max Lucado is definitely a wake up call to Christians, particularly in America. Most people with genuine faith in God would admit that they have a desire to make a difference in the world. We can see the problems, the poverty, the hurting, and the many issues that need revolution, but what can we do about it? In this book, Lucado demonstrates how in small practical ways, and by merely obeying the Word of God, we can make a difference in the world around us. We don’t have to go to a foreign country on a mission trip or to be a missionary, but are we willing to take the opportunity if it comes?
This book is written in a very down-to-earth style that paints life in a simpler way. It definitely brings conviction, but without conviction, we won’t make a move in the right direction. Lucado challenges us to look beyond seeming limitations and helps us to apply biblical stories to life today.
If you want to be inspired but also feel a call to action, read this book. You might find that you have to do something different, or you won’t be fulfilling the calling common to every Christian: To be a follower of Jesus and shine his hope in this dark world.

Where I'm Meant to Be

2010-08-31T23:15:00.000-07:00

Without you I am lost
I won’t count the cost
I won’t even jump in
In being safe I think I win
But why do I feel disturbed?
Why am I not at rest
When I hold back,
When I don’t let my heart be tested?
I am born for danger
I was made for risk
Your purpose is my calling
It costs a lot
But I can do nothing less
Save me from myself
Help me flee from safety
For if I don’t get out of the boat
I’ll be handicapped for life
Imprisoned by mere thoughts
Lies that only have power
If they are believed
The truth is where I stand
Therefore I can walk hand in hand
With you, Father
Confident, fearless
Stepping out at every chance
Living out my destiny
And held close to your heart
I in you and you in me
This is where I’m meant to be.

My Passion

2010-07-22T22:25:00.000-07:00

Beautiful
I want to see you
Your heart beats steady
And I want mine to match
But it wavers
And it fails
Goodness
Holiness
Emanates from who you are
I want to reach
To touch the pure essence
Of you, God
But I feel
I am so far
Can a man be near to God
Most holy, perfect, clean
When he is defiled by shame?
I believe so
But only
Because I know
The blood covers
All imperfection
And draws us near
We can be touched
We can flow in the rhythm
Of the heartbeat
Of the King of kings
He calls us his children
I want to touch you
I long to behold you
Draw me near
Oh most holy
I will worship you
With abandon
Full out expression
Because I cannot hold it in.
I love you!

HOPE

2010-06-16T14:00:00.000-07:00

Can you hear me?

I just want to know

If anyone out there knows

Who I am

I’m not the girl you think

My heart has died

I can’t feel anymore

Not like I used to

My body contracts without tears

I’ve been here too many years

Would you recognize me

If you saw me now?

I don’t know.

I barely see the light of day

They tell me to stay and I do

Not because I want to

But because my will perished long ago

The only will I have is the will to live

But even that is fading away.

Am I anything anymore?

Does my voice make a sound

As I lay here on the ground?

What’s this I hear?

What’s this I feel?

A tear, pushing itself through?

It can’t be, no!

I won’t cry, I won’t grasp hope

I used to do that

Until I started to believe what’s real

That I will never be saved.

I’m a daughter?

Whose?

My father disowned me

Nobody loves me.

But I feel your hand

It’s gentle

Compassionate

Is it really for me?

You love me you say

You love me, is it true?

Don’t do this to me

My heart is already torn in two!

I’m rescued, I’m saved!

I never believed in this day,

But you broke the chains

I am breathing again

Oh it’s been so long

Can I ever be

The little girl I once was?

That and more, you say

And I trust you

I AM FREE

Making Room

2010-06-15T23:24:00.000-07:00

In our garden made for two
You asked me to make room
You said, "open up your heart
It might hurt, but I did it too."
And though it didn't seem
There was much room for them
I let them in
And our garden grew.

At times I've asked you why
I must go through the pain
And you remind me that
You did the same.
You came to love the lost
The sinners, cheats, and liars
And I must do that too
Or I am chief among them.

I've opened up our garden
And I find that when I close the gate
With even just a little bit of hate
I can't feel you anymore.
But it's never too late.
I open up again, feel the pain
But experience the sweetness
Of sharing in your gain.

Our garden made for two
Is made for so much more
And when I give away
What is really yours
I go deeper in your heart
And love you even more.

Awaken!

2010-06-04T14:48:00.000-07:00

You inspire me to dance. I can't hold back. When I see who you truly are, even just a little, my heart bursts with excitement. When I see who you are, I have purpose. No matter what. I have purpose when I am loved. I want my life to emanate who you are. Who you are changes everything. And joy is uncontainable. I've tasted that reality, but I want more! My spirit longs and cries out for it! It's the way I'm meant to live! My heart screams I'm so in love with you! True love makes everything come alive! I don't want to be dead anymore! I will ask you every day, awaken my heart!!!

2010-05-13T16:44:00.000-07:00

How do you turn guilt into conviction and then let something good come out of everything that has caused the guilt? I suppose I could probably tell you the answer, but it's really not so easy to walk it out. I could use some help here. Yes, I've been here before, and God came through, but it never happens the same way I don't think. So what needs to happen? God I am more desperate for you than I've ever been.

Lonely

2010-05-10T13:37:00.000-07:00

Why do we hurt so much? And why is most of our pain not visible to anyone else? I know we all hurt in different ways, and we all have different aspects of brokenness that we carry around with us, but could I venture to say that at least for most of us, our deepest pain is truly loneliness? Why, in our age, can most of us not live without a cell phone, facebook, internet, email, blogs, texting? Because we want to be known. We want connection. We want to convince ourselves that we are not the only ones in pain, that someone understands. And yet with all these things, we still cover up our true feelings. Because we are afraid. Afraid of rejection, of being exposed, vulnerable, unguarded. We are afraid of being known. This is the paradox we live in. So what is our answer? All we can do is go around in circles until we believe the truth about our God. Our Father. He knows our pain better than any human ever could. So many of us know that, but we don’t believe it. We still look in other places to find what we long for. Maybe when we finally let go of those other searches for approval and love we will then believe that our God cares for us. Let go and be free. Love others, seek others, but pursue God first. Love him first. This is not easy for us to do, and I don’t really know why. But the Christian life is a life of denial. We have to deny ourselves every day, we have to deny every temptation that so easily slips into our lives. So we can live in the reality we were meant for. And so God’s love is the only thing keeping us alive.

If you feel like giving up, or ever have...

2010-04-20T13:41:00.000-07:00

To the end
I'll stand.
Even when my failure
Threatens me
Beats me up
Leaves me for dead
I'll stand.
I won't give up.
When the fight inside overwhelms
When I can't get over my pride
I'll remember the one who died
And I'll stand.
When anguish tears at my soul
And I don't know where to go
Or even what I feel
I'll look to my Solid Rock
Wave the Freedom banner high
And not give up.
To the end
To the end I'll stand.
Even when lies become my truth
I'll deny their power
And look to the Book
That has all the answers.
I'll stand
Hand in hand
With my God
Whose love will sustain me
Through every up and down
Every joy and pain
Till the end I'll stand.

2010-04-14T15:50:00.001-07:00

There’s nothing like smashing your finger to let out pent up emotions. Sometimes, when I don’t understand the Kingdom of God, I feel as if God leaves me. I can remember amazing wonderful times where He has met me and turned my life around, or flooded me with his love. But I let what people say confuse this assurance. But no, I won’t believe it. He has not left me. And He never will. And also, I think it’s okay to cry. He understands. He holds me. He never leaves me.

The Heart of God

2010-04-02T17:56:00.000-07:00

God kissed
A merciless world

God suffered
As a man
Humiliated, broken
Separated, abandoned
To let himself feel
The pain of rejection
Or the unmatchable joy
Of a heart given

The heart of God
Breaks
But his love knows
It’s worth the cost

We spit in his face
We shame him every day
What do we know of love?
When will we see his face?

The passion of God
Will not relent
Until all his enemies
Have been forgiven
Until all his followers
Turn from their hypocritical ways

The blood of God
Was spilled
And freely spent
To show a lost world
What it means to live

It hurts more to forgive
Than to die
And that’s what he does
Every day
His pain has not gone away
Yes, victory is his
But people still choose

We shun him
We forget him
We reject and abuse him
Yet he hunts us down
He heals our wounds
He knows our pain
Gathers our tears
And his love
Will set us free

The heart of God
Is displayed
Every day
Can you begin to see
The longing in his heart
For you, his dear child?

Your love
Is worth more to him
Than anything

It’s the heart of God
Who kissed the very ones
Who denied him
Defiled him
And killed him
But his love remains the same

The Garden

2010-03-29T22:59:00.000-07:00

Do you see me?
My heart?
Is it soft as a child’s?
Is my hand tender
When you take it in yours
Does it resist your pull?
I want freedom
Liberty
I wan to run in your garden
And catch a glimpse
Of your beauty
I’m looking for you
Discovering mysteries
Daddy where are you?
You’re here somewhere
I can’t wait to run into your arms
And then I’ll escape
Laughing
But wanting only
To be caught by you
I’ll peek out from behind
Your flowers
Planted just for me
Then I’ll dance
In the sunlight
That brightens my eyes
You’ll spin me around
I’ll have no cares
Just delight
As we roll on the ground together
Lost in wonder
In our love for each other
It’s nothing I could deserve
But you make me a child again
A mature child
One ready to rule
But I won’t forget to dance with you
In your garden
My daddy
Is the King
And I know I can come
Whenever I please
For I am indeed free.

I Don't Have to Understand

2010-03-26T11:55:00.000-07:00

My heart it beats with one desire
Or how I want it to
Is it truly ripped in two
Or do I just feel what I’m supposed to?
Are we to go about our lives
In either boring days
Or endless pain
And accept it as it comes?
Or is there a way to live and die
Suffering at a great price
But taking delight
In the one we love the most?
Should I cease my questioning heart
My longing mind
And realize
That to live is to die
Even if dying means separation?
Separate, but don’t lose my heart
Allow the pain
Because it’s worth it?
I won’t shut down
I’ll feel what he wants me to feel
After all
I love him the most
But just don’t let me boast
In myself
And don’t let me stray
And get in the way
Firm trust
In the midst of storms
My heart no longer dead
Nor fearing the norm
Or the empty
Because life with you
Life for you
Has no comparison
To anything else
I don’t understand
This life
But you gave it to me
So I’ll trust
When I don’t know where to go
No belonging
No clear future
You are my home
And I’ll follow
The cadence
Of your sweet voice.

I Exist For Him--Bottom Line

2010-03-18T14:07:00.000-07:00

I am being blown away by the basics of the very faith I claim to be my own. Revelation is stacking itself up in my heart, and my life cannot be the same. The way I think and live cannot be the same. A daughter(son) of God is led by the spirit of God. Whoa. Wait, now, that's all I have to do? Listen, be open, obey God, follow him in everything? Yes, that is what I have to do. I have to. Because now if I don't, I'm denying my own true desires, which are born of the spirit of God. I have been trying, without acknowledging it, to fill some kind of void I thought I had by filling my time with things that lacked true value, with buying "good" things just to make myself feel better. No! I don't need any of that! He is all I need! Really. If I don't burn for him alone, if I don't give my whole life to his purposes, I have nothing. I don't want nothing. Not anymore. I want Him! And that means doing whatever He tells me to do; saying, speaking, acting on His every word. And staying put if He has not given the go-ahead. I exist for Him.

I Need You

2010-03-11T21:30:00.000-08:00

I give into you
Do what you want to do
I let go of fear
Won’t you take me and draw me near?

I give in
I let go
I don’t ever want you to go
Your words are life
Your words are true
And everything I do
Is nothing
Without you

My heart is yours
That’s all you want
It doesn’t matter what I thought
Before

You are right
I am wrong
I’m ending this fight tonight
And I’ll offer more than a song

Break me down
Hear me cry out
Overtake
Awaken inside of me

Desperation
Is my confession
I don’t ever
Want it to be different
I need you more than
Anything
Whether I believe
It or not

So keep me here
In this place
So I can see you face to face
I would die
If I did not realize
I need you
Father
I need you

All in All

2010-03-10T13:18:00.000-08:00

Unimaginable wonder
Unthinkable power
God of love
Coming closer
Responding to seekers
Your strength does not withhold
Your tender touch
Your breath brings life
But destroys the unjust
When we suffer
You are there
Holding our hands
Remembering the pain
When we rejoice
You dance with us
Lead us in your step
We don't want to fall.
Unfathomable depth
Merciful Presence
Powerful Ruler
We lay down
To give you the place
You are due
Does it look
Like home to you?

Impossible Dreamers

2010-03-02T15:13:00.000-08:00

Move my heart
To flow
In your life!
Rhythm of my soul
Blow and make me whole.
Wholly yours
Holy, yours,
I take your blood,
Receive what you've done
So you may be
The breath in me.
Speak, Father,
Tell of your plans
Envision your sons
To awaken the land!
Reach deep,
Enliven dead places
Your glory to conceal
Every darkness in my face.
Enlighten
Revive
Stir up
Burn alive
One Desire
Forever Fire
We are yours
Your Impossible Dreamers!

Fly and Burn

2010-02-19T12:37:00.001-08:00

Father, we reach out to touch your Light, for your Light never goes out. It ignites our embers and makes our spirits soar! We won’t be afraid to jump, to leave all behind to pursue your dream. Your dream is to break every chain that binds the hearts that long to beat with purpose, to make every child a burning flame in your Kingdom of Light. Burn down the walls that keep us from flying, the ceilings that keep us from touching you. Release those that you have called to inspire others. Call them from their corners and breathe new breath into their lungs so they come alive and burn. So they burn with a common goal to awaken truth and identity even when everyone around them settles for the soft breezes of amusement. But not for long, for the burning children are coming, throwing off restraints, advancing into radiance; and their fire is contagious!

Heart Fire

2010-02-16T16:03:00.001-08:00

My heart cries for freedom

My spirit longs to soar

Your love to pour through my fingers

Your touch to ignite souls

You call me to be broken

Broken for the sons

For the daughters

To be made whole

Love only flows

Through the cracks

That break us open

And expose our pain

My heart cries for liberty

When I see

A brother or sister

And their destiny

Make me one with you

Make me free to express

The love you put inside

The fire in my chest

I don’t have much

But lack is my greatest gain

For when there’s less of me

More of you is free to be

I may not understand

Your heart’s cry

But I know the One who does

So take my hand, and we’ll fly!

My Love

2010-01-31T16:54:00.001-08:00

I don’t want to move

When I’m captured here with you

You show me love is true

And I can be with you

Anytime

Anywhere

My heart reaches out

And you are there

I don’t want to move

When you hold me close

Because I can hear your breath

You’re more real than life or death

I wish I had another word than love

To tell you what your touch has meant

You go deeper than I ever expect

You know what I need more than I ever will

I want to know your will

Because I love your thoughts

And I don’t want to move

Unless I feel your heart

Your rhythm is my guide

When we’re one, I can fly

No hindrance, no doubt

Can keep me from these open doors

I am yours

Don’t ever let my mouth confess

Anything other than this

I am yours

You make me beautiful

And worth more than I could ever be

Without you

I don’t want to move

As I’m here with you

But I will if you tell me to

Because all I want is to live for you

You are my love!

Renewal

2010-01-29T22:22:00.000-08:00

I am so encouraged. I feel an overwhelming sense of God's pursuit of me and his mercy. He has opened my heart to desire humility and a renewed mind. I need my mind constantly, daily, hourly renewed. His mercy reminds me to not pursue my own ideas and ways, even if they seem amazing, but to submit all my thoughts to him. At times I am too rash. I make decisions because they seem so right. But if something is right but not of God, it's worth nothing. All I want is Him. A desire to seek Him burns within my heart. I pray that it keeps burning and keeps burning. True freedom is found when we have acknowledged our nothingness and found our being in Him. When we become one with the one who made us. It's how we're meant to live. There is freedom in His life. When will we finally get this and stop thinking so much of our own thoughts?

The Rain

2010-01-12T14:35:00.000-08:00

It's raining. I can hear the drizzle right outside of our sliding back door. It's calming, if I let it be of course. I like the rain. It reminds me that everything is okay, because it is steady. Likewise, God's love is steady. Unfailing. When the rain stops I know it's not over. I know I will live to see another day of rain. Every day I can wake up knowing that God loves me. Sometimes that's all that keeps me alive. It's all that makes me hold on and keep doing what I'm doing. And when I feel like I'm going nowhere, and that all I do is in vain, I remember the rain. He is steady. He is faithful. He won't let me labor in vain, for I am his child. There are things I don't see. Sometimes I would like to see them, but he doesn't always allow me to. I don't always like to trust. That's just being very honest. But trusting is the only way that I'm going to live NOW. As much as I try to see what's ahead or grasp at some sort of escape, the now is still there, under the surface of it all. I must face it and embrace it. I must dance in the rain of the moment.

Christmas

2009-12-25T09:09:00.001-08:00

It's Christmas, and we celebrate the day Jesus came to be one of us. History will never be the same because of His willingness to do that. I pray that today we would keep it about Him. It's so easy to fall prey to the world's idea of this holiday and to give into selfish thinking. I think it's a point of attack, especially in families. But don't let us forget, Father, don't let us forget what you 've done for us. Let us give you the glory and love you deserve.

Him

2009-12-24T13:12:00.001-08:00

He takes great delight in me. My Lover is jealous. He is pure and righteous. He won’t take His love away from me if I don’t deserve it. I must come to realize that His greatest desire is that I would delight in Him. I am most alive when I am in sweet fellowship with Him. Whether I am sitting down, dancing freely, laying in my bed, or working my head off, or writing, he surrounds me and is pleased. His pleasure is all that keeps me going. Why would I want to pursue anything but Him? Why else would I live this life, but for His plan? Life becomes richer when I know He is at the center. He takes all my cares and worries away and gives me a higher purpose. I want to be His close friend, to rest in His heart, to break when He breaks and breathe when He breathes. He is closer than my skin. I will never understand Him, but all I know is that it’s all about Him, and I want to know Him!

Wonder

2009-12-09T14:26:00.001-08:00

What has happened to the wonder in this world? I see glimpses of it here and there, but shouldn’t it be a daily part of life? Why is it that when we become adults we don’t dream anymore? It’s not right. I want to live like a child but think like a mature daughter. I think of children’s stories—some of the most profound pieces of literature you will ever find. Don’t we all just want to be a “tree” pointing to God? But God comes in and says, “No, you are destined for much more. My dreams are bigger. Dream with me. You will not only point to me, you will make people think of me; you will be a reflection of me!” Wonder. Life is full of wonder. God is full of wonder. And his dreams are bigger than the biggest dream that could ever exist in our little hearts. Let’s live in his pleasure.

Rocked

2009-11-22T18:55:00.000-08:00

Rocked by love. My life is messed up with God's pleasure. I'm drowning, and I'm so glad. I don't want my own life. Not at all. I want all of HIM!!!!! My heart has been awakened with love and directed toward purpose. I am finally just beginning to be alive and to know why I'm here. And I'll go deeper and deeper. And I'll trust. And I'll give. God, make me someone you can trust your secrets to. I will never compromise that cry. Let your fire burn in me!

Dance of Life

2009-11-19T16:09:00.000-08:00

Dance the dance of love and worship. Worship: adoring reverence or regard. To dance my heart out for the King would be my greatest joy, because I love him more than anything. But what about the dance of life? Do I dance to my own tune? Do I withold my heart and soul from giving all when God's song is played? Why am I not satisfied? Because I am not dancing His dance. Because I am not giving everything. To dance with everything until my knees give way and I collapse to the floor would be "leaving everything on the field." In my life, do I do that? What if I were to live that way, leaving nothing? Becoming completely weak every day because I spent everything, only to be filled up again and again because I have been faithful. Talk about glorious living! Eden living! I want to see how God really first intended man to live; then I want to live that way. With all my heart I want to live that way.

Book Review

2009-10-29T15:40:00.000-07:00

The Noticer by Andy Andrews

With all the pain and problems we experience as a society in our private and public lives, much of our time is spent searching for answers and solutions. Some give up hope unless someone happens to come along and redirect their vision and ultimately change their life. The Noticer reveals that we need more people like this. We need people who will look beyond their own pain to see someone else and offer them hope. In this book the main character Jones doesn’t seem to deal with problems of his own, but he is overflowing with wisdom for very common life circumstances.

I agreed with all the advice and “perspective” that Jones gives in this book, and I appreciate how practical and applicable it is. This isn’t just fiction. It is something, that if put into practice, could change the way you live and treat others.

One of the only “downfalls” in the book is lack of character development. To me, almost all the characters seemed to talk the same. It was difficult to imagine what they would look like or act like at times that would be unique from the other people.

If you love stories, people, and inspiration, this is probably a book for you. It does not have the most dynamic feel to it, but it is definitely powerful if you let it be.

Liberty's Garden

2009-10-29T13:15:00.000-07:00

The day the rider came to report the casualty was the day I discovered life was not as it seemed. It had never happened before—not in my lifetime at least. All I remember is watching my father crumple in the doorway as I stood still on the cobblestone pathway leading up to it. I had heard the sound of hooves coming down the road and had rushed out to meet the rider, my yellow dress and light brown locks trailing behind me in the wind. But the look on the majestic messenger’s face had stopped me dead in my tracks, and when we both heard the news it struck my father more than it could have anyone else. I watched helplessly as he buried his head in his arms and let the sobs overtake him. I really had never seen him cry like that. It broke my heart and caused me to love the fallen man just as much as he did. Well, maybe not quite as much, but I got a glimpse of my father’s love that day, and it forever changed my life.

My father was the most devoted gardener in the whole world. I grew up under his care and attention just like one of his precious flowers. The garden on the side of our house was the most beautiful you’ve ever seen. People from all over would come to get refreshed and sometimes redirected. Papa loved visitors, and I loved to watch the way he would gently lead them into the gated haven of brilliant color and babbling fountains. I knew what would happen in that garden—people discovered who they were. Papa would whisper into their ears, walk with them, listen to their dreams and desires, hold them in his strong arms as they found rest from their burdensome lives, and breathe purpose into them. I knew because I went in there with him all the time. I even helped plant some of the flowers.

When I was five years old I began to understand why the people that had come to papa’s garden would later return to knock on our front door. It was because he had sent word for them to come and receive equipping for the battles. The strange thing was that I watched almost all these people come and go, and afterwards they always looked just the same as when they had come. The men would come in their business suits, their jeans, their sports uniforms, etc, and the women in their dresses, their high heels, or even with pregnant bellies. No one left with any visible armor one would think would be useful for battle, but they all left with smiles on their faces and determination in their steps. I once asked papa what he gave the people when they came. He took me in his lap as we sat in the library together and this was all he said: “Well, baby, I give them strength, I give them courage, but most of all, I give them love. Love is our greatest weapon. No enemy can stand in the midst of its power.” I just smiled as he reached behind him for one of his ancient story books he used to read to me every night before heading to bed. I fell asleep in his arms to the sound of his voice.

Sometimes I would get scared. The sound of thunder, the loneliness of the dark night, or merely fears about the enemy coming to get me caused me to tremble. At times I would call out to father; other times I wouldn’t because I would forget he was there to help me. But he always came. Every time I was scared he took me to the garden. It didn’t matter if it was pouring rain and the lightning flashed through the trees—he never failed to wrap me up in a wool blanket and carry me out there, where he would hold me and remind me he would never leave me and that I really didn’t have anything to be afraid of. He would say, “Remember who you are, Liberty! You are my daughter, and this is the garden where our love has grown and where so many others have come to get a piece of the freedom that is here. When people discover who they are, they are free! Remember who you are and who I am, and never be afraid.” Then he would kiss me on the head and rock me until my heart stilled. The rain didn’t usually stop, but it didn’t matter as long I was in papa’s arms and I knew the true beauty that surrounded us.

I knew my father’s job was important, but I didn’t know how important until the day we encountered the solemn rider. That was when I was eight years old. He had come straight from the battlefield. He pulled up, clearly out of breath, and looked sadly into my expectant face. Then he spoke to me.

“Hello, Liberty. May I speak with the King please?” My little heart skipped a beat.

“The…the King?”

“Yes, the King your father.” My eyes widened with realization and I wanted to rebuke myself for not seeing it before. Had he wanted to hide it from me? Or did he just never feel the need to tell me?

“Please, Liberty, I have urgent news.” The man’s voice snapped me out of my thoughts.

“Yes, sir, I’ll get him right away.” And off I ran back into the house to fetch “The King.”

“Papa! Papa! A rider is here! A messenger!” My voice echoed through the halls as I ran throughout the house until we collided and he caught me with his hands. He laughed, bent down, and smoothed my hair behind my ear. I didn’t smile. Instead, I looked deeply into his eyes to see if there was anything different about him. He wore regular clothes—faded jeans and a long sleeved white button down shirt with the cuffs rolled up. His brown hair nearly reached the end of his neck. He was handsome, but I never thought he’d be a king. Sure explained a lot though.

“I’m coming, sweetie. Tell him I’m coming.” This time I smiled, quickly turned around, and ran back out of the house.

When I reached the messenger, his horse seemed uneasy and the rider’s eyes were averted as if his mind were elsewhere. I was out of breath from running and had my hands on my knees.

“He’s coming.” Almost the moment I said it father appeared in the doorway behind me. He spoke right from where he stood.

“Gabriel! What news do you bring, my friend?”

Gabriel, the rider, immediately flung himself off his horse and gallantly bowed.

“Your Majesty, I’m afraid I bring you dire news. One of your soldiers, Kaden, has fallen to the enemy.” And that was exactly when I watched my father become overcome with grief. He attempted to speak through his tears but was unable. I could see he was trying to thank the man. Something happened to me in that moment. I grew up a bit and felt the courage to speak for my father.

“Thank you, sir. I believe he wants you to go back to your post, but he’s thankful for letting him know.” Gabriel dipped his head solemnly and rode off into the distance to resume his duties. Ever so slowly I approached father as I witnessed his body convulse and saw what a broken heart looked like for the first time. I put my small hand on his shoulder, sat down next to him, and wrapped my other arm around his back. His right hand gripped the one I had on his left shoulder, and we both wept together. I didn’t know why I cried—I just had to.

Later that night we sat in the garden together, enjoying the color and fragrance of the flowers, and feeling the cool breeze whispering through our hair and kissing our faces. I finally worked up the courage to ask father my question.

“Papa, did that man Kaden really die? And did you love him very much?”

“Kaden was my son, just as much as you are my daughter. And yes, he died in battle. But this was a different kind of death—a death of the soul. Kaden has become prey to the enemy. He has chosen their ways over mine. He has rejected my love and virtually killed himself. But all hope is not lost. He can still choose to come back.” Papa’s voice was so gentle and full of wisdom. I had so much more to ask him, but I didn’t know if I should save some questions for later. Yet papa broke through my thoughts as if he knew what I was contemplating.

“Liberty, we grew this garden together so that people like Kaden could come, discover who they really are, believe it, and be free. Come alive, like all these flowers. I want to give you this garden as your place of influence. Next time, you will lead the weary traveler into its gates and show them love, and give them courage, and breathe purpose into them.” The pieces of the puzzle were beginning to come together, although I knew from that point on I faced a lifetime of discovery.

2009-10-09T14:56:00.000-07:00

Freedom. That is the word. What does it require? Almost nothing, or everything? Maybe both. Because if we give our lives for one purpose, and one purpose only, there won't be much left to worry about.

The Squirrel and the Hummingbird

2009-10-07T18:02:00.000-07:00

There once lived a squirrel who wanted to fly. He had heard of flying squirrels before and dreamed of becoming one himself someday. The only problem was that they were not known to live in the area in which he lived. One day as the squirrel was climbing up his favorite tree, he saw a beautiful and rare sight that caught his eye. Could it be? Yes, it was a hummingbird! Wait, he thought to himself. There are no hummingbirds in this part of the country. Where did she come from? The squirrel watched in wonder as those wings fluttered nearly a hundred times per second and longed for his own set of wings. He asked the hummingbird how she learned to fly, to which she responded, “Well, I simply watched other hummingbirds do it and believed I could too!” With that, a determination rose in the squirrel and he rushed to the end of the branch. “I will be a flying squirrel!” he shouted out to no one in particular. And with that he leapt off the branch and flew all the way to a branch on the other tree. In that moment, the squirrel’s dreams had become a reality. He defied all odds and became a flying squirrel.

-“Seeing is the first step to being.”

Words

2009-09-29T17:26:00.000-07:00

I believe it is time for another blog entry. It is difficult to know what to write sometimes, you know, to get my words out on the screen. I will just mention some words that have been coming to my mind and heart lately. Satisfaction. I am not satisfied. As much at times this may feel like a bad thing, I have to believe it isn't. Someone mentioned today that God is going to fill our hunger. I'm opening up my heart and expecting that. Although unsatisfaction may cause frustration, may God turn those feelings into an unrelenting spirit! Broken. I can't get it out of my head. There is a song called "Broken" by a band called Lifehouse. It keeps playing through my head, because I think there is something so much deeper in the words, and something needs to be done with that song. Broken is both a good thing and a bad thing depending on the person and the circumstance. Escape. Escape from a life not worth living, a life full of dull, meaningless pursuits. Escape into Father's love and so much more. I want everything He has to give.

First Day of SPA

2009-09-22T14:36:00.000-07:00

For those of you who may be wondering, I am not doing a year of spa treatments. The word spa has now become synonymous with the School of Prophetic Arts, of which I began attending today. The kickoff was incredible. Last night we were ushered in with a flood of prophetic words from our teachers who have already been investing their lives into this venture. The vision has been cast and now all we have to do is pick it up and RUN with it! Or FLY, as Miss Marcy would say. There is such an anticipation and excitement about what is unfolding. Nothing like this has ever really been attempted before. But truly, it is time to take back the arts for the One who originated them all in the first place. It is a great privelege to be one of the firsts to go through this school.

Follow Me!

2009-09-16T13:42:00.000-07:00

Can you hear

Our Creator’s call?

He’s crying out

“Follow me!”

But only those

Whose eyes can see

Whose ears can hear

Will hear the sound

Of his cry in the air.

Follow me!

You are my bride!

My delight,

Can you sense your destiny?

It’s calling you

As it is calling me.

Do not fear.

Do not feed on hopelessness.

I am here

As I have always been.

I, your lover

The one you celebrate

Day and night--

My faithful ones,

You’ve never lost sight

Of the reason

You were put on this earth.

And now, follow me

As we march above the fray

For this is the day

My lovers will hear me say

You are home.

Do not delay;

The time is ripe.

Hear the noise of battle--

I have already won this fight!

There may be sorrow;

There may be pain,

But reward awaits

Those who do not stray.

So keep your eyes ahead;

Follow me when all you see is death.

Be swallowed in the depths

Of my laughter.

Dry your tears;

Put aside your questions

And your many fears.

I have not abandoned you all these years.

Here I am

On my steed of white

Come to capture

My glorious bride.

Follow me!

We Have the Best Dad!

2009-09-15T17:49:00.000-07:00

I had a revelation today. And that is this: that God is good! We have redefined "good" as a generation I think, but God is good in the purest sense. He's good because He is a Father! Don't get me wrong, not all fathers are good, but what makes a father bad? He might be abusive, angry, a drunk, maybe because of past hurts or generational sins. He makes bad choices. Can God do those things though? No, because he doesn't have generational strongholds to overcome or sins to be cleansed from. He is perfect. And so He is good. Like the Bible says, a good father would never give a stone to his child who asks for bread. The Father has THE BEST in mind for His children. I am His child; you are His child. What does that mean for us? Just something to think about...

A Tribute to my Oklahoma Friends and a New Phase

2009-09-10T13:38:00.000-07:00

I met many amazing people this year who taught me a lot and who mean a lot to me. They were my brothers and sisters, my role models, my dear friends, my second, third, fourth, etc. moms, dads, and grandparents, and just some really good people. Thank you for being the friend I needed when all seemed hopeless or when I just needed to talk. Thank you for persevering and showing me that I can lead and love people to Christ. Thank you for helping me to see that all the investment and giving of myself is worth the cost. Thank you for not giving up on me or yourself. Thank you for being my dad and my mom when I needed it the most. Thank you for hugging me when I felt unlovable. Thank you for being my little sisters and trusting me to be your friend and someone to look up to. Thank you for trusting Christ in me and pulling out what I had to give from the Father. Thank you for loving me, and thank you for being a part of my growth. You know who you are, and what you have done and who you are should not go unnoticed or unmentioned. Bless you all as I move on, and know that you played a vital role in my life and will never be forgotten. I pray all of your journeys are filled with life, joy, and beauty.
And now I wait in eager anticipation for what this year and the following years hold. This will be just one more stepping stone to becoming the world-changer God wants me to be as I am trained in my passions like writing, and so on. Thank you everyone who has supported me and prayed for me while I've been gone, and CCK, it's so good to be back. Thank you for welcoming me so heartily.

The Start of Something New

2009-09-09T12:08:00.001-07:00

I have posted on this new blog a few of my recent poems and a couple things I wrote this last year. There is a lot more I could include, but it will have to do for now. I am once again on a new journey in my life. This past year in Oklahoma City has been a series of ups and downs, but nothing I can honestly regret now. I learned once again what it is to give my heart. I learned how to lay down my life for the sake of another's freedom. I learned how to carry the heart of God even in the deepest pain. No, I did not always make the right choices, but God has the ability to use our weaknesses to his advantage. I would not take back this last year. I now look forward to a new season. Though it has been a difficult and somewhat painful transition, I am holding onto what God will have me do in this time in my life and keeping my heart open for whatever opportunities may present themselves both now and in the future. I have been incredibly blessed to have received multiple prophetic and encouraging words in the last year and am holding onto those and to the goodness of my Father to persevere. This year I will be attending the first year of the School of Prophetic Arts, which I am very excited for. God, take me on your journey!

Affection

2009-09-09T12:07:00.001-07:00

My resistance dies

As I’m met by your eyes

Your embrace inspires

Affection which lingers

In my heart

When I’m torn apart

I melt with every memory

Of the times we’ve felt

The deepest devotion

To each other

In my shifting emotion

I’m found in the motion

Of your dance

Which ignites in my spirit

A fire—can you hear it?

It’s raging, exploding

With the wildest of pleasures

As I am accepted

By a love beyond measure

I’ll be lost here forever

But really I’m found

By a heart so abounding

In love and affection

With pride and attention

I’ll stay here forever

My affection

It lingers, it longs

To be thrust upon you

The first love that I knew

I always want to be with you

Touch

2009-09-09T12:05:00.001-07:00

Touch me

For right now

It’s what I need

The pain is more

Than this idle sore

You see my need

Your truth I heed

For in this hour

I seek your power

My resistance dies

As I search to find

Meaning in the pain

Purpose in the fight

I melt beneath

Your gentle hand

Upon the cage

That holds my breath

Upon the home

Where all my thoughts rest

I can’t understand

At this point in time

I only hold on

So that light can shine

Everything in me

Wants to run

Wants escape

I’m a mistake

But I won’t defy

Your touch on my

Hidden heart

I think I can start

Touch me more

It never fades

I want to live loved

The rest of my days.

Child of God

2009-09-09T12:04:00.001-07:00

I am a child of God. I can dance in my Father’s eyes. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. Is he calling me pure? Because I think I’ve seen him. Not all of him—no. That’s impossible, because there is no end to him. But I am a child of God! Nothing is impossible for me. All problems are irrelevant, for he is always here with me, inside of me, to take care of them. Never let me take my eyes off of you again. I have nothing to give when my focus is lost. Instead of staring at limitations and hopeless situations, may I stare into your eyes. Your eyes are not empty. They are full of more than I can imagine. I can see your heart when I look into them; mysteries are revealed. Don’t let me shift my gaze. This is the time in history to gaze into God’s eyes. Much will be found there. Things we’ve searched for our whole lives are there. He has been staring into us since before our birth, always steadily wooing and drawing us, because he knows that what we need is there. His eyes are like an ocean full of treasures. Some of the treasures are only visible and beautiful after being refined by fire—the fire in his eyes.

How He Sees Me

2009-09-09T12:01:00.001-07:00

Joy flooded my heart as I heard the words I had waited to hear for what seemed like a century. I always thought I would be alone. I would come to points in my life where I just accepted the fact and tried to be okay with it. But try as I did, it was to no avail. The same feeling kept coming back and I would drown myself in the tears I didn’t even know were locked up inside. I was never content. I knew I couldn’t go on like this. The emotion came in cycles it seemed until I was desperate enough to ask the only one who could truthfully tell me how he saw me. I just had to know. I am a seeker of truth, and any less might as well not even be mentioned in my book. It was the hardest thing to do, to ask. But it was the most beautiful day of my life when he answered. I wish I had adequate words to describe what he showed me, but it is beyond even my imagination. If you can, imagine everything you’ve always wanted to be, all the times you’ve dreamed and wished that you could be a certain way, because deep down in your heart of hearts you knew you were made for it. Think with me that you really are that person, because—and this might be hard to receive—you are! Those things you imagine about yourself if only you could be—that is exactly how your Heavenly Father sees you. That’s what he showed me. Now it’s my responsibility to start living the way he sees me. I couldn’t tell you why he would see me in such a way, but I know he does. The only word that would be able to give any kind of explanation is love. He loves me. He made me a certain way, and so the desires I have are right; if his spirit is truly in me then my desires and dreams line up with his.

Your Words

2009-09-09T11:53:00.000-07:00

Flow through my hands

Like ink through pen

Spirit move me

And do it again

I need your power

To course through my veins

Love spill out on the page

And rearrange

All that I once knew

All that once controlled me

All that once defined me

Because that’s not who I am

Spill out

Tell me the truth

I search

My fingers anxiously await

What you would have to say

Not only to me

But to the lonely

Give me the words

To share with the hurt

The lost, the broken

And those who are rejected

Show me the truth

So I can pour it into them

My fingers await

Like an eager pen

In a writer’s hand

For the words to spill out

And replace worlds of doubt

Of lies, of sickness and drought

May your words bring life throughout!