Living your Story

Am I living a great story? In reading different blogs and books lately, I keep running across this question. As a storyteller, am I myself living a great story?

I should be.

I have some goals in my life right now, one of the major ones being to become a published author, a creator of stories. But what if I never get published? Does that mean I am not a storyteller? No—I will keep writing stories no matter what, because I am a writer and stories can change the world.

But is my life going to be about telling  stories or living a story? I want to know how to live a good story. What my life should be filled with outside my writing time, and how that life pours into my writing time, because it’s all of part of who I am. What lives am I affecting when I sit at home on a Christmas break, when I go out to run errands, or when I just dance in my room? Am I affecting lives other than my own? That is the question that runs deep in all of us I think.

I don’t have all the answers, and I can’t tell you I’m necessarily spending my time as I should, treating people how they should be treated, and living a good story. But I want to.

And then today I thought Maybe living a great story has more to do with how in love I am with God than with anything else. Now that’s a thought. Maybe the more I fall in love, the more real and exciting and purposeful my story will be. I think this is more true than I can see right now. I felt like God wanted me to read part of Song of Solomon this morning, like He just wanted me to know how much he longs for me, for my presence and my love.

Could it be that simple? To live a great story is to live a life in love with the Creator? What else could be the key, really? Isn’t this what makes us come most alive?

In the midst of my storytelling and story living, I desire to be constantly aware of God’s love. If I am, who knows who might come alive today?

Sneak Peek "Colin's Vision" from my novel in progress

Disorientation didn’t quite seem the proper word, but rather a gross understatement for the way Colin felt. He didn’t know where he was, only that he was alive. Maybe. The images in his mind were slowly fading away, but he felt from the experience that he had just lived 100 more years, though not so much in earthly time. He couldn’t really think of any further explanation for it, just that there was nothing in the world that could be compared to what he had just felt. It seemed like it had been so long since he had dwelt on the current Earth, and that’s why it took him a while to reorient his mind, soul, and body. The memory hung onto the edges of his consciousness, still so real. It gripped him and he actually didn’t want it to let go.

            It was more of a tangible experience than merely a series of images. He didn’t know when it began, but he remembered finding himself kneeling on a dusty hill, tears streaming down his sweaty face, though he didn’t know why he was crying. But then something stirred inside of him like he was remembering who he was or where he was, and he looked to his right, where two women dressed in dirty robes and headdresses knelt beside him, also weeping. He recalled his name then—John. But he wasn’t John. But he was; he knew it like he knew his favorite color.

            Looking up he became aware of the darkness around him, yet there stood three prominent objects against the blackened clouds. They were rough hewn crosses, each with a man hanging on it. His eyes were riveted on the one in the middle, for immediately comprehension came. It was Jesus. Jeshua. His best friend, dying there in agony. There was a sign above his head that drew his eyes. He couldn’t recognize the markings on it at first but then his mind told him again that he was John and of course he understood Hebrew. It read This is Jesus, the King of the Jews. The sudden realization of the mockery that was taking place stung his eyes and caused more tears to flow. Through the haze over his eyes he saw an ominous black cloud with an outline of neon light bordering its billowing edges. The cloud nearly overtook the light, yet the light remained. Somehow that thought set his heart ablaze, then he looked into his best friend’s face. That was precisely the moment when Colin, or John, lost all sense of time. It was too real to be a dream, but too sensational to be real.

            Yet it was real. His mind screamed no but his thoughts didn’t seem to carry as much weight as they once had. They were just…insignificant in light of all this.

            He heard, as if the words were literally reverberating inside his brain, a loud but strained voice call out “Eli! Eli! Lema sabachthani?” It was Jeshua, right? Or was it him? He couldn’t tell the difference. The next thing that invaded his awareness was the threatening presence of evil, and then his eyes found them. Demons.

            They were taunting Jeshua as he died, and they were taunting him. They swirled around him and hissed into his ears until he could hear no other sound. He wanted to cover his ears with his hands, but he couldn’t move them.

            “He has forsaken you! He has forsaken you!” They whispered harshly, followed by cackles of satisfaction.

            He couldn’t move; the mocking seemed to go on for an eternity, and all his eyes could see were dark, hideous forms moving in circles about him. Then, after a seemingly endless amount of verbal torture, a thought finally made its way somewhere into his being, and it outmatched the voices. He had to say something.

            He had to say something back!

            Somehow he gathered all the reserves of his strength and made his lips move. “Nooooooooooooooo!” he called out, reaching toward the middle cross. “Nooo! He has not left me! He has not left us!” As his arm had reached out, it parted the circle of demons and cleared his sight in front of him. He could see Jeshua’s gory form and knew he was dead. But there was life. There! Above him hovered two glorious beings bathed in light which pushed back the surrounding darkness, seeming to invalidate it completely. One of them looked at him with understanding and compassion in his eyes and he knew it wasn’t the end. Wait—he always knew that, right? He believed in God, right, the God who was alive and active?

            The angel held his gaze and said, “My name is Lucius. And this, my friend, is far from over.” The words filled him with so much peace that he hardly noticed that the demons had vanished. He felt he was in this state for another unidentifiable amount of time, and then he was fading away.

            The next thing he knew was that he didn’t know anything. Just the lingering experience that was no more in the past than the things he had yet to go through.

            No, disoriented wasn’t quite the right word.

Jesus

What is it like to sit down and spend time with Jesus? This is one of my favorite things to do. This morning I had this picture of him just sitting down with me like a friend, just to talk and to be together. But I noticed something different than if I were with any other friend.

It was the way he looked at me. The fact that he knows me inside and out does not scare me; rather, it gives me security like no one else can. This is the one who created me with a bottomless love, who formed me with care and precision. This is the one in whom I find my identity and my definition. When I am with him, truly, nothing even needs to be said, though he understands when I do need to talk.

This is the one who sees both the darkness and the light in me and still looks on me with love. I am free in his company. This is the one who already gave everything up for me and who promises to never go back on his word. How can he after enduring such sacrifice? When I am with him it’s like being with a friend who knows every bad thing I have done but is still enduringly faithful.

He is not thinking about my mistakes. He is thinking about the perfection with which he created me and the Spirit of God that makes me nothing but beautiful in his eyes.

Jesus is fully human at the same time he is God, so that’s how I can relate with him. All I know is that being fully known is liberating.

I pray we all know Jesus in this way more and more. Let him bring this revelation to you in the way my words cannot.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kcle5P0lEtA

The Touch we Need

            When I think of what happened today, in my mind’s eye I see parents, broken and weeping, and through the blur that their tears have created over their eyes, they look on a world that now seems unreal, or at least seems to have lost its former significance.

            Because all they can see is their son or their daughter. All they can imagine is how it felt to hold them close with a heart enlarged with an undying love.

            A love that would have done anything to protect their child.

            What a helpless feeling to know that you can’t, that someone violently harmed your beloved son or daughter, and you can’t change that. I would venture to say that the people affected by the tragedy in the Connecticut elementary school today do not want to hear why it will all be okay. Sometimes emotion trumps logic or can tend to cloud even our deepest held convictions about life. I’m not saying that’s good, but it’s a reality that so many face when hit with suffering.

            So where is our hope? Surely it is not in the goodness of the world. Could it lie in second chances? These parents don’t get a second chance with their child. I think only God knows. I could come up with a lot of fancy words to try to explain why there is hope in Jesus, and of course I believe this to be true, but I know only God can communicate to the suffering in the exact way they need it.

            God often brings to my mind a picture of his healing when I am in a place of confusion or hurt or loneliness, and that is the image of his hand on my heart. I can almost tangibly feel it, and it seems to instantly break me down and comfort me. It’s like a deep massage of all my hurts by someone who knows and cares about them all and about who I am as a person. God knows the touch we all need.

            I just pray that each of these family members and friends of the victims will feel God’s touch, whether it is his healing hand on their hearts or a gentle whisper that speaks of an understanding that cannot be contested. Many of us have had those experiences, the times when we just can’t argue with what we have encountered, and though it goes beyond all our logic or emotions, we know it is true.

            And, perhaps, God has a second chance for these people that they cannot see quite yet. Though their children may not be, they are still breathing, and they are loved by their Creator in such an unfathomable way, just as their sons and daughters were also loved. We live in a broken world, but one that God wants to heal. That is his good heart towards us.

            Besides, he relates with our pain on a very personal level. He gave up his son to death to gain our love. If we truly got this, wouldn’t we trust him? I pray that these people can and will.

            There is yet hope.

            I came across this song by Switchfoot today that seemed to me to correspond with this tragedy in some way. I feel like the first part speaks of a father or a mother who is expressing how much their child’s heart means to them, how important it was to them when they were born. I see it also as Father God speaking to us, to the parents of the victims, even, how much he cares for their lives, telling them that he is always theirs. When it gets to the “Hallelujah” part, I feel like this is the response of someone who has received this Father’s care for them, and who is taking hold of their “second chance” by giving themselves completely to him.

            He understands.

“This is the star, this is your heart
This is the day you were born
This is the sun, these are your lungs
This is the day you were born

And I am always, always, always yours
And I am always, always, always yours

These are the scars deep in your heart
This is the place you were born
And this is the hole where most of your soul comes ripping out
From the places you've been torn

And it is always, always, always yours
And I am always, I'm always, I'm always yours

Hallelujah, I'm caving in
Hallelujah, I'm in love again
Hallelujah, I'm a wretched man
Hallelujah, every breath is a second chance, yeah

And it is always, always, always yours
And I am always, I'm always, always yours
Always, always, I'm always yours, I'm yours
Always, always, I am always yours”

By Switchfoot

Creative Expectation

If you're an artist, I'm sure you have had those moments when you just wanted to create something. It was as if there was no other option in the moment--you just had to create. You were inspired by a movie, a book, a conversation with a good friend, or your personal encounter with Jesus, and your spirit was stirred to produce a piece of utter beauty.
But how hard was it to get started? That is often the problem, isn't it? Even when the inspiration is there, the words, the moves, the lyrics, the brush strokes don't always come as you imagined them to. They don't always accurately tell of the feelings that have compelled you so strongly.
We all want to give something of value to the world. We want our words, our creations to matter to someone else, to reverse some injustice in the world, to heal a heart or two, to bring meaning to someone's life.
I am no expert, but I do know this: We have something of value to offer the world. We can change things through our art.
I have been reading some books that have pointed out the fact that so many of us are just afraid to begin, or finish something for that matter. We either feel inadequate at the start, or unqualified once we do, and we let it hinder what could be released through our God-ordained creativity.
God has been speaking to me about taking risks. Risks are about Him. Trusting Him to do through us what we know we cannot possibly do on our own. Let's do something different. I think there are a lot of dreamers in this world. I am one of them. We hear phrases a lot like "Dream big," and we think, yeah, I should dream big. Why limit the possibilities?
Exactly! But don't just dream it. Next time a great and seemingly impossible idea comes to you, try it. Don't be afraid of rejection or failure. If we never act on the dreams we have been given, nothing will ever happen, and the world won't change.
We are disqualified, in so many ways. But that fact has not caused our Creator to disqualify us. Why do you think He gave that idea to you of all people? Hmmm...
He will do through you what you can't. Just take those steps of faith and let Him bring the work to completion. When you don't know what to do next, instead of giving up, ask Him what you should do. Put the time and work in if there is a gap somewhere.
But never give up.
Our broken world is depending on the beauty that can only be released when we act on the dreams God has given us.
Let's start creating, and expect the Author of creativity to breathe on our acts of faith.

Secret Garage Forts and DC Talk

Did you ever have that place as a kid that was just your special place? Probably not somewhere the adults in your life would even want to go, but you loved it because you could make it your own? Many of us enjoyed building forts as kids, whether it was with chairs and blankets, treehouses, or cardboard boxes that we called home. I find it amusing that kids seem to be attracted to small spaces. I see this all the time with the little girl I nanny for. I’ll come out of the bathroom and she’ll be nowhere in sight, and when I start calling her name she’ll answer in that muted voice and I know she has squished her little body into some tight space, like a kitchen cabinet or crowded closet and is having the time of her life just being able to do that.

 

Kids are so creative—with their innovative thoughts on how to make a cardboard box a personalized home, or a space ship or a car, which is more common among boys. I just love the creativity and personality that is displayed through this kind of play, and I actually think it says a lot about our potential as artistic and inventive people, created in THE Artist’s, Creator’s, Musician’s, Dancer’s, and Inventor’s image.

I was just remembering last night that when I was ten my brother, my cousin who was living with us at the time, and I used to go almost every day down to this little tiny cubby room in our garage, a space under the stairs. It was our special secret place, and we definitely made it our own. Almost every day we would come up with something more to add to our little place to make it more homey, if you will. We drew little pictures and put them up on the walls, we brought down a small chair, and we would even bring our homework down there and (attempt) to do it. We started bringing music tapes and a tape player down too, so we would have music to listen to. I remember our MC student at the time always showed my brother the cool stuff he was listening to. DC Talk’s Jesus Freak was a really cool one for us at that time. I remember loving the Jesus Freak song and wanting to hear it over and over again. There was also a feature on our awesome tape player that allowed us to record our own voices onto tapes. Oh, the endless fun and entertainment THAT brought about!

I love having memories like this. I think if I went down there and took a look into that cubby again, I would find a space that I could hardly fit into now and probably find remnants of our days virtually living in there.

For all of us, fragments of our good memories still live in one form or another. I think these are good things to hold onto; I’m not talking about being a pack rat, but rather cherishing the moments that brought us joy as a child, and also letting them speak to who we are now. I know that in all of our lives there are things we want to forget too, things that bring us pain to think about. God can heal us of those memories and show us how he was there with us, but let’s also thank him for the times that have branded something fond and positive in our hearts. Those creative moments, those precious times with our siblings. The good and the bad are all a part of your story. Give God the hurt, but don’t forget the meaning behind all he has allowed you to do or experience.

And the songs, or the books that spoke to you as a child, don’t dismiss those. Something was calling you back then. It was probably God’s voice, telling you a little bit about himself or who he made you to be.

I still want to be a Jesus Freak.

The Middle of this Place

The beauty in the air
Surrounds me until I know you are there
And your love speaks through the wind
Inviting me to go on
This sometimes treacherous adventure
Where I find your life in the midst of pain
And your breath that inspires me to move
To push through the darkness in my heart
And as I cling to you, let you wash me white
In this broken place you receive me in
Your heart surrounds mine and I’m your child
Captured by a love so wild
I wish I had better words
I am astounded that you take my shame
And make me new whenever I call on your name
I’d rather live with you than with me
So remind me to see every time I shift a degree
That you are worth every part of me
Make me a pure vessel
Innocent again, unstained but with your blood
Move my body and my hands
To bring you glory in a beautiful dance
Of life and story
Author of love and life and grace
Just help me to see your face in the middle of this place

Darkness Inside

I want more of Jesus. In fact, I want all of him. I know we say things like this a lot, but I don't know how often we act on it. If He is really what we want, what are we goint to do about it?
I have been convicted recently of my pride. I have needed to acknowledge it for some time, but haven't brought myself to it until now. I see that it is worth it to face the darkness inside of me. It's not something I have to fear, but it is something that must be obliterated. So I have to die. I have to make the decisions that strain against my will.
I am desperately seeking God's help in this, because I have seen how hard it has been for me to make decisions I don't want to make. The ones in those little moments that pass by so quickly and can cause instant regret.
I don't want to ignore my pride anymore, because if I want Jesus, truly, I must change. I must become less so he can live in me. So his beauty can come forth more purely in my creativity and in my relating with people.
His love for me is so strong and he is so for me. It is the same for you. Let's not be afraid to face our darkness, for only then can we allow the light to invade.

Keith Green: An Eternal Legacy

I recently finished reading a book about Keith Green's life by his wife, Melody Green, called "No Compromise." I was deeply moved by this man's story and impacted by his legacy.
Keith Green had an eternal mindset, just as all of us as Christians should. In the book, Melody clearly revealed his weaknesses and struggles and the processes he had to go through. Keith never gave up. He kept growing until the very end, not willing to compromise his faith. Though he may have made some mistakes along the way, he didn't seem to be afraid of anything. It seems to me that this is probably a major reason why his impact and ministry are still going strong today. He wasn't afraid to take risks, so I would venture to say he didn't have any regrets.
Keith Green had a very dynamic personality, and he could have easily utilized his natural tendencies to bring glory to himself. But once he became a Christian, he wouldn't dare think of it. He shed many tears in his quest to bring ultimate glory to God and share his love and saving power with as many as possible. He was a humble, caring man who just wanted to do things the right way. He didn't let confrontations discourage him; rather, the opposite. He was glad when corrected and used it as an opportunity to change and grow.
Isn't this how we should all respond to the processing in our lives?
I just watched a live recording of Keith singing "The Easter Song," and it was plain to me how anointed he was in his ministry. It felt like he was still alive because I felt God's presence almost instantly when the video began.
The man may have died, but the anointing and the influence never has.
May we all be able to claim this about our lives lived for the King.
I highly recommend this book by the way. :)

Just Him

I'm listening to this song right now that says, "Give me Jesus; you can have all this world, just give me Jesus." Many of us know the song well. But the question is, do we live it? Is He really our first Love, our primary focus, our essential reason for being alive? Because He should be.
Yesterday as I was going throughout my day there were several things going on. I got together with a friend, then as I was watching the little girl I nanny, I kept receiving texts or calls from a few people and found out some things that excited me. My mind tends to stay focused on things like that for quite some time if it is either something I am concerned or upset about or excited about. I think through everything that I should or could do in response, or play out possible future events in my head. Basically, I get distracted.
I don't think it's always a bad thing, but I was reminded yesterday, realizing how full my mind was of so many things, that sometimes Jesus can slip to the background of my consciousness when crowded by other thoughts. I prayed then that He would remain first in everything, that I would remember that for all my good intentions, He must be my purpose. Him alone. That my love for him would outshine everything, good and bad alike.
I am a follower of Christ, first and foremost, and if my life reflects that alone, it is enough.

To See

Lately the prayer that seems to keep spilling forth from my heart has been that I could see. I think to some extent we are all blind. I know I am. I want to see what most think is either nonexistant or invisible. Those deeper things of the spirit that we can't strive to see with our frail physical eyes. I just finished reading a book by James Rubart called "Soul's Gate." This book inspired me to inquire more of the Lord than I have before, seeing how God was opening the eyes of these characters to see people in the Spirit and to look into the spiritual realm to see the battle going on around them. Even the novel I am writing has similar themes, and I know it is because there is something in my spirit that is crying out to see more, because I know it's not only possible, but how we are called to live. So I just keep asking that I could see more so that I can know more of what this life I've chosen to live really means.
I want to look at the people around me in my life and even before noticing their outward appearance, see them through God's eyes. See who they are in the spirit. I believe if we treat people as if they are truly this person God shows us in the spirit, even if they are not currently living up to it, they will begin to. I want to see that happen, more and more. I want to see how much God loves and cares for each person, and how much freedom He really wants for them.
Let me see, God.

.

Novel Teaser

            Colin stared at his ceiling, wide awake. How could he sleep after a day like today? He had gone to school for some of his late afternoon classes, though it wasn’t easy to focus. He would have to work on that.

            A sudden wind in Colin’s ear made him jerk upright. He could still feel the tickle. And the words that came with it—Get up! He caught his breath and looked to his right, surprised to see a pair of bright green eyes shining in the dark room. It took a moment for him to recognize the boy, but soon he saw that it was none other than—

            Adrian.

            Adrian pulled at Colin’s wrist so that he could feel his fast pulse beat against the boy’s warm fingers.

            “Colin, you have to get up. Now! I have to show you something.”

            “You scared me half to death! How did you get in here?”

            “Never mind that. Just get up!”

            Colin swung himself out of bed and watched the little boy back away and stare up at him. He shook his head and muttered to himself, “Is this ever gonna end?”

            “No, Colin, it won’t.”

            Colin was caught off guard—he had meant to say it to himself, but of course the boy was there, and of course he would hear and have a clever response like that.

            “Alright.” He grabbed his t-shirt off the floor and pulled it on. “Where are we going?”

            The boy smiled and took his hand. Adrian’s hand was swallowed in his—it was so delicate, so innocent. He swallowed.

            “Just follow me, Colin. I’m gonna show you something amazing.” The boy’s eyes danced with wonder, and Colin couldn’t help but smile. He didn’t hesitate this time.

            “Alright, I think I can handle that.” Adrian laughed out loud, and Colin wondered if his family could hear him.

            “Maybe you should be quiet, my family is asleep,” Colin whispered as they walked down the hallway. But this time he just giggled louder, and Colin found his own voice joining in.

            Adrian pulled him all the way out the door, until they stood in Colin’s front lawn. That’s where he stopped and looked up at the sky. Colin followed his gaze, looking for something—unusual. All he could see were the stars, but Adrian seemed overcome by them when he glanced down at his lifted face. The biggest grin quickly turned into a reverent awe, then back to the grin. Colin looked up again, aching to experience whatever had captured this little boy.

            “Look, Colin. Aren’t they amazing?”

            “Yes—yes they are.” But he wished he could see more. Adrian saw something he didn’t. He didn’t take their beauty for granted.

            Suddenly Adrian moved his head to look at Colin. The enchantment in his face faded, and they stared at each other, confident little boy and lost grown man. Why couldn’t he be like this child? Then the boy uttered something he didn’t anticipate.

            “Colin, feel my pulse.” He took Colin’s fingers and placed them on his own wrist. The steady sensation of a beating heart flowed through his fingers and seemed to reach the rest of his body. This was life.

            “Now, feel your own.” Without waiting for the boy to do it for him, he placed his own thumb over his left wrist and felt the pulse. His pulse.

            “Do you feel something?”

            “Of course I do.”

            The boy smiled.

            “That means you’re alive!” Colin was in disbelief at the simplicity of Adrian’s words.

            “Yeah?”

            “Yes, and that means you can do things.”

            Colin swallowed hard.

            “Yeah? And what kinds of things am I supposed to do?”

            Adrian’s eyes twinkled with mischief. He replied, “Great things.” The boy looked back up at the stars and breathed in loudly.

            “Can you hear them? Can you sense them?” he asked.

            “What?” Colin responded.

            “The angels. They like to dance with the stars at night. But they’re here, too.” He spread his arms out and spun around once. “All around us. I love it, ‘cus they carry Daddy’s presence.”

            “Daddy?”

            “Yes—God!” Colin felt like he shouldn’t breathe, like the air surrounding this child was too sacred to breathe. So he remained quiet for the moment and tried to think of what to say to this.

            “Yeah…that’s amazing” was what came out of Colin’s mouth. Adrian looked at him again and seemed to be contemplating something very important.

            “Colin, I need you to do something for me.”

Chasing Demons Away

Being pursued by a malevolent force that you know you can’t escape is the most terrifying thing to experience. There’ s no way out. The horror of that thought is like death. When you know the one after you is more powerful than any effort on your part, you are lost.

How do I know? Well, I don’t, not really. But I’ve gotten a taste of it in some dreams I have had, like last night. In short, in the dream there was a man who I knew did not have good intentions towards me, so I hid away from where he was in fear. But he knew where to find me, so he came and I couldn’t get away. He started asking me random questions and I had to answer, but I knew he was not just a nice person, so I tried to hurt him. It didn’t faze him; instead he responded with, “You underestimate my power.” Basically he then proceeded to tell me my death was imminent, and would be by his hands. There was nothing I could do.

But I woke up thinking, there is actually one hope left in that kind of situation—Jesus. I will always have him to look out for me, and He is more powerful than any human or force of evil that may try to assail me. I can always cling to that.

But what about the little girls and women who are hunted every day and forced into a life of sexual slavery that may as well be death? There is hope for them, but they can’t see it. They are like me in that dream except without the knowledge that there is one greater who is able to rescue them. What a nightmare.

One of the primary differences between those of us who know Christ and those who don’t is our hope. These girls and women are literally living a nightmare. They are trapped with no way to escape.

Unless the impossible happens.

Unless someone hears and is willing to break into their world. Unless the people of God rise up to chase away their demons and bring them back into the waking world, where terrors cannot stalk them anymore. Where they are home and safe.

When I think of what it must be like for them, the utter darkness and hopelessness that so many of these modern-day slaves live in, my heart breaks and is moved to do more. I’m not going to tell you what to do about it; neither am I going to try and come up with a solution or a strategy of my own. But what I do propose we do and not stop doing is lifting up this issue to God in earnest prayer, asking him for the strategies and acting on what we hear.

This is real and it is happening to so many more precious lives than we realize. Let’s not be silent, for our God is more powerful! We should not underestimate the power of our Enemy, but we should not allow him to immobilize us either with fear or hopelessness. There is always a life to be saved, and you can do something about it.

A Child

God sees us as mighty warriors, yet He expects us to come to him as little children. Perhaps having faith like a child equips us to become those mighty warriors. He sees strength in the heart of a child. Maybe it is because children generally cannot rely on themselves. They must trust.

My heart is bound up

How can I carry yours?
I am not a child but a pauper
Worn out by time and years
Yet you would bring me back
Set me upon your lap
Look into my eyes and say
You’re innocent again
Do you want to run on the paths of adventure
I have set before you?
I approve of you
You don’t have to be shy with me
I hear his words, stirring in me
And dare to look in his face
I find he’s smiling
So I take his hand without shame
And my withered fingers become smooth
With him I can be myself
A child again, with strength renewed
For faith and trust are my weapons in him
I am utterly changed when he becomes my strength
So I say
My heart is strong
Not bound with fear, or folly, or doubt
But light with your love
I see with your eyes
And I will tread the paths you have laid out
And pursue to grasp what you are about
When I see me through your eyes
I can carry your heart with no shame
And be a child
And a warrior to bring you fame

 

A couple weeks ago I was picking up the little girl I nanny from kindergarten. There was another little girl waiting with her mom, about 3 or 4 years old with blonde curly hair. I had never met them before, but this little girl suddenly came up to me, took my hand, and smiled. She then said, “sometimes I’m shy.” That struck me because for some reason she didn’t feel the need to be shy with me. Yet she wanted to tell me that. Then she proceeded to show me her pink boots and kept holding onto my hand and swinging it back and forth like I was her long time friend. I couldn’t help but imagine that this might have been what it was like for Jesus. The children were attracted to him though he may have been a stranger, and they were probably able to be free and open with him because of his love and gentle way. What a beautiful picture God brought to me through the boldness and spontaneity of this little one.

Keep Reading

What is it about the great stories that draw us so? Maybe something like the Lord of the Rings is obvious. We all long for adventure, love, and purpose. This epic tale can at times speak to some of our deepest longings though it is fantastical. Why do we love the characters? Because they are heroes. And why are they heroes? Because they beat impossible odds against an impending evil.

Just what we are called to do in this dark world.

Because the world is dark, right?

The story I now want to consider is the more recent Hunger Games trilogy. I know a lot can be and has been said about these stories. But I think it is extremely relevant right now. Think of how big a hit the books and the movie are at this time. Why is that? I would have to say it’s more than a fad—people like the story. We are drawn to it. We love the characters. This is a different tale than Lord of the Rings in many ways; however I would venture to propose there are more similarities than we might realize.

So what is it about The Hunger Games that pulls us in so relentlessly? At first look, it is a gruesome, hopeless tale. Our protagonists are caught in a terrifying reality that for all they know they will never escape. The games happen every year, they have a chance of being chosen to participate, and every year 23 out of the 24 kids will inevitably die. It’s the way things are.

But does it have to be?

That is the essential question.

That is how these two epics from different centuries collide to tell the tale of our lives. They are not the only ones of course, but I believe wonderful examples nonetheless. These are stories in which the hero or heroes must defy odds and become just that—the hero they are meant to be. They must choose whether the cost is worth it to them to rebel against what is. They must rise above the status quo. They must choose to do not what is expected of them, but what will seem impossible, unfruitful, and even crazy to others. It’s about their struggles, their choices, and their perseverance.

There is a line in The Hunger Games where Gale asks Katniss the question: “What if we didn’t watch?” He was talking about what would happen if people just stopped watching the games. Basically, if we took away the popularity or the demand for it, it wouldn’t be successful anymore. The control of the Capitol would be demolished. If they lose the people’s fear or trust (depending on which they have) they have lost their power. Similarly, in The Lord of the Rings the characters must decide that the Dark Lord and all his minions do not have to have power over them. The evil in Middle Earth has taken its control also by means of fear. I think the Ring of power at least partly represents fear. If the enemy doesn’t have their fear, they don’t have power.

These are poignant and powerful stories. Though fantasy, they speak to our lives. So, the question is, can we, like Frodo or Katniss, gather the courage to make choices against the status quo, step out and take a stand for what is right and good, and destroy fear not only for our own lives but for the sake of setting others free?

Even when there appears to be no hope?

Because there always is. That’s why we keep reading.

Darkness aside

Darkness aside!
We live in His light!

Freedom pursues you
For we won't give up
You may not see us
But we're here
Training in courage
Receiving endurance
Running this race set before us
You think no one cares
But our hearts break
You think no one hears
But you have our ears
We are the new breed
The people of light
And though we're not perfect
We live for this fight
In your darkness, in your night
He will break through
He will find you

Listen, all you children of the King
He's sending forth a new sound
Hear it ring!
He's opening up hidden places
And leading us to new faces
The ones who are waiting
The ones forgotten
His thoughts are towards them
So be His voice, His love
Reach out your arms
And burst forth out of your gloom
For your darkness is light to them
A hope beyond hope
Don't wait till you're all new
Go now, for only used can be used
We are qualified by the Cross
So put discouragement aside
Be who you were meant to be
And in His grace abide

Darkness aside!
Awake to life!

Find

Along the simple narrow path
I want to find my feet
In your sweet melodic dance
I want to find my beat
You are humble, you are meek
Your voice gently speaks to me
In the whispers of your heart
I want to find my ears
Among the love that drives your art
I want to find my years
You are true and you are clear
No confusion and no fear
With the courage in your eyes
I want to find my voice
Against the evil you despise
I want to take my place
You are generous in grace
Keep my gaze locked on your face
With what's good and only right
I want to stand for life
When it's lonely in the night
I want to find your life
You are strong and you are safe
And nothing spent on you will go to waste

You Saved Me

You saved me And I just can’t rid my heart Of this flame inside me That just wants to be a part Of your great mystery Your beauty inspires me To create like you Earth, space, and trees Movement, grace, and family All intricate designs produced From your melody of life I want to take what you’ve given And express unto Heaven The joy of my forgiveness To love with an open heart Always giving and creating Never taking or hiding Just like you are You are the beat of my heart And when I misstep I disconnect with the motion that you set Don’t let me stray I pray For every day when I live in your way I give away your love Life abundant is what you give I want it all; I want to live If my devotion is not to you Wake me up Because my days are few And I want them to glorify you

Plug In

I need to plug in. Recharge. Start my engine again. Reconnect with my Source of life. I don’t feel like I’ve been given too much, but I think what I have been given has become too much only because I’m not plugging in enough. My thoughts stray in a thousand directions every day, and as they do so, I am slowly being pulled away, removed from the socket, without even knowing it. I forget to remember. I forget that the Source is always there—not even there, but right here, inside of me. I’ve invited Him in, right? I need Him to remove the outer shells. Tear down my walls of worry. Take my hands so they no longer hold onto anything. Cast my cares on Him so I can be who I am. Free. Free to dance and laugh and love and be in love With my Creator. Free to dream again, to pursue His heart. Confusion reigns supreme too much of the time. Oppression comes, unexpected and I don’t know how to fight. Free my heart from unnecessary burdens, Father of Light. Be my Source once again. For there is nothing in me that can hold on any longer. I can’t steward even the smallest tasks you’ve entrusted to me. But instead of retreating into shame, let me look to You again, receive your free gift of Grace and move forward. Forward. Never backward. When I am weary I come to you. I see us in our garden again. You fill me with your breath. Your beauty overtakes me, and I remember why you created me.

A Flower in the Darkness: Reflections from my experience in Thailand

It's hard to believe that it has been nearly a month since arriving home from Thailand. I find it just as difficult to get my mind away from everything that took place on this trip, even after some time has passed. I just want to share some words to whomever feels inclined to read them about what took place and what revelations I have been receiving since taking this exciting adventure. For those who may not know, a team of about 16 of us, 14 ladies and two men, traveled to the city of Pattaya in Southern Thailand at the end of March. The city is known for sex tourism. Here's a picture for you. Smog. Traffic. Busy streets. Cramped and unlevel sidewalks. Open bars, restaurants, and massage parlors lining most streets. A crowded beach right across from a massive shopping mall. Street vendors everywhere. European and American tourists walking around, many older men. At night, everything picks up speed. Neon lights, loud music coming from the bars, beautiful girls with blank faces lining up outside the bars holding signs. Streets congested with pedestrian tourists. Sexual menues being casually handed out. Chaos. Walking Street especially can be described as a fair. The sad reality is, everything is for sale at this fair, this feast for the eyes. Not only everything, but everyone. Pattaya really can be an amusement park for lustful adults. To buy someone in Pattaya is easy and generally cheap. Slavery is very real there, as it is here in America. But when you go to Pattaya, it is all out in the open and it is an accepted practice to buy someone, at least for the night. It strikes me how God can break into a city like that. Everything you see around you is so contrary to everything our God stands for, yet He sends us because He knows His Light is way too powerful to be overcome by even that kind of darkness. What our team had the privelege to be a part of was to share Love and Hope with the girls who work in these bars. Day in and day out they are there--they don't get weekends and holidays like us. They work. They sell their bodies because it is what they feel they have to do to provide for their families back home, their young children, and themselves. So many of these women are truly sacrificial, doing it all for the love of their families. I met so many girls who are just like me, except for their country of origin and the experiences they have been through. But I found that when I did not allow myself to look at them through the lense of their past, all I saw was a valuable human being, a new friend. In the midst of such perversity, devaluing of human dignity, and darkness, God really did show up. His love poured through us and into them, and they received it. We were different to them. We had to actually be their customers--we had to buy them out of the bar for the night. I've never bought a person before. I'm sure you haven't either. So, in a way, that was strange. Yet these girls are so used to it, and that fact is heartbreaking. Anyway, we bought them out, took them to dinner to get to know them better, and throughout the week we took several girls to see the safe house, called the Happy Home. Just to watch these girls open up in the context of being in the company of people who actually care about them and don't want to use them was incredible. The majority of them have never felt the kind of love we were showing in their entire lives. They didn't know it existed until they met us. Some got to hear for the first time an apology from one of the men in our team for how men had treated them horribly. That is something they never, ever thought they would hear from a man. But just like that, God broke in. He literally tore down their walls of impossibility and said, "No, it's possible. Here is your hope." When you start to see things from their side, that's when you really are blown away. Wow. Look what God can do with my simple willingness to go on this trip, with my weak attempts to love a broken person. It worked. And that's when I realize, God loves these people so much more than I ever could. He had them in mind before I ever even cared about the nation of Thailand. He just one day said, "You. You go. I choose you to go to Pattaya in March 2012." I have seen light penetrating darkness. The contrast is so poignant. I hope what I have shared will spur you on to move towards the dreams God has put in your heart. There really is no limit to what He can do. All we have to do is be humble and willing. I am at this point now where I feel like I have to do more, I have to help more to fight this terrible injustice of human trafficking and the whole sex industry. I don't know exactly where God will lead me in this, but I'm committing to follow Him one step at a time. He has opened up to me through this experience a whole new realm of possibility. Things I never thought I would do are becoming a reality. I encourage you to not allow your dreams to be too small. Dream big, and if you can't accomplish that big dream today, don't be discouraged. Let's remember that God is in control, and even when it seems your life is doing nothing at the moment to change this world we live in, know that your submission to Him, and your agreement to walk near to Him is doing more than you can see right now. But in time, He will reveal. And in time, we will see more open doors. "...for God takes the side of victims. Do you think you can mess with the dreams of the poor? You can't, for God makes their dreams come true." from Psalm 14, the Message By the way, there are now at least five girls living in the Happy Home, all of whom we met on our trip. There are several more planning on moving in as well. Praise God! For anyone who wants to learn more about the organization we were working with or wants to partner with them to help in some way, I encourage you to visit www.globalbreakthrough.net

Walk With Me

I walk forward, and there you are. Before me, behind me, and all around. My head is bowed, but I begin to feel you rising inside, swelling in joy until my head is lifted, shining and radiant. When I know you’re inside, I know who I am, and I walk with a new confident stride. Nothing can faze me, nothing can strip away the frail pieces of my heart, because you have already done that, and in such a gentle and understanding way, with those eyes of yours that pierce and tear down walls as I drown in them. How can I describe your intimacy, God? Your eyes hold an intensity like none other, a deep longing mixed with compassion and understanding. When I look into them, I know that you are right there, in the moment with me, taking all my burdens into your own heart. And then you give me your rhythm, whether is it sweet or violent or constant. It is always what I need to dance the dance of the moment. When I can see you and feel your hand on my heart, infusing me with a love beyond description and that overcomes my guilt, I know exactly where to step next. And I am not afraid. God, you have stripped away the broken, the shattered and frail fragments of my life. And you have come in and built something new. Something beautiful and fragrant. You make me smile with your smile. When you smile, I know you love me more than anyone in the whole world does, and I know you will always love me that way. I see that you take joy in me. I don’t have to know why, I just know. If I can let that be enough, I walk in my true identity. I have been broken in the past, but now I can be poured out, spread out. And I don’t run dry. The more I give, the more I am filled. You invite me into the joy of the fellowship of your Trinity, and this reality is beyond my wildest imaginations. With you, every day has purpose. The smallest things turn into life. Faith changes lives, even to just speak one word. Your heart is passed to another when I receive it and give it with a word or a gesture or even a smile. Why shouldn’t I live this way all the time? I can. We can. When we let the truth we know transfer to our hearts and flow through our veins, we can get back to our original purpose, which, as it has always been, is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever. It is only when we do this that we can be truly content—in ALL circumstances, doing anything. Let Him walk with you today. You’ll find a joy beyond measure, unlimited access to His Kingdom, faith that WILL move any mountain, adventure that you’ve always longed for. It’s waiting for you. Embrace what you can have. It’s always been there.

Innocence is Restored

“What will it take to make me innocent again?”

I look at the photo in front of me, a shot of my two married friends, myself, and two “bar girls” from the city of Pattaya, Thailand. Though only taken about three weeks ago now, it has become a sweet, sweet memory to me. There are many pictures that stand in contrast to this one, some only taken in my mind. Girls sitting at bars or standing outside of them, waiting for the next customer. The difference in this “customer service” job from so many others is that the girls are the merchandise. In these pictures, the only smiles you see are synthetic. An illusion of happiness creates the false aura around these scenes, so when you see the girls with no smiles, no expression even, that’s when you know they don’t want to be there.
Who would? Have you ever had to sell yourself? What kind of currency could validate these exchanges or replace what you would have to give away? For these girls, Thai baht is their only return. And while this may be a dire need, it cannot restore what they’ve lost. No amount of money can suffice to justify the sacrifice of their very souls. Not really.
I look again at the photo before me, and it tells a different story. An impossible story. The two “bar girls” have genuine smiles on their faces. You can see that it has been a long time since they have been able to smile like that. The three of us surround them and all of us are inside a safe house that the girls have just heard of for the first time. It’s a symbol of hope to them, a possibility that, as far as they were concerned, did not exist until now. There are no prostitutes in this picture. In fact, I shudder to even mention the word at the sight of my precious new friends.
I think of the bar they came from, the purpose behind it, the men who come prowling for young women to satisfy their selfish cravings for the night. And all I can think is, these girls have no place there. They don’t belong. In so many ways, they are just like us.
Now, as I recount the pictures in my mind of all those girls sitting, waiting, or standing outside of a bar in Pattaya City holding a sign that virtually says, “buy me, I’m worthless if not for your pleasure,” I see individuals with dreams that have been shattered. But I also see the hope that lies just beyond their next step. Our next step.
I see a young woman whose favorite color is blue, who wants to own her own salon to make a living in a healthy way and provide for her two young children. I see someone who just wants to be loved like everyone else in this world, who wants a friend to confide in, a purpose to live for that is bigger than herself. I see someone with a willingness to sacrifice for the ones she loves, but secretly wants to do it in a better way. A way that will not mix shame with a willing heart. I see death in their eyes, but I also see the potential of life ignited with just one touch.
How can they be innocent again? When they taste of a love that is unfailing, undeserved, and unearned. When they are seen through eyes that do not judge, do not lust, do not disregard. When who they truly are is recognized and acknowledged. It will be as if they have never been violated, as if all the abominable things they have ever done never happened. That’s what the Love we know can do.