How do you turn guilt into conviction and then let something good come out of everything that has caused the guilt? I suppose I could probably tell you the answer, but it's really not so easy to walk it out. I could use some help here. Yes, I've been here before, and God came through, but it never happens the same way I don't think. So what needs to happen? God I am more desperate for you than I've ever been.

Lonely

Why do we hurt so much? And why is most of our pain not visible to anyone else? I know we all hurt in different ways, and we all have different aspects of brokenness that we carry around with us, but could I venture to say that at least for most of us, our deepest pain is truly loneliness? Why, in our age, can most of us not live without a cell phone, facebook, internet, email, blogs, texting? Because we want to be known. We want connection. We want to convince ourselves that we are not the only ones in pain, that someone understands. And yet with all these things, we still cover up our true feelings. Because we are afraid. Afraid of rejection, of being exposed, vulnerable, unguarded. We are afraid of being known. This is the paradox we live in. So what is our answer? All we can do is go around in circles until we believe the truth about our God. Our Father. He knows our pain better than any human ever could. So many of us know that, but we don’t believe it. We still look in other places to find what we long for. Maybe when we finally let go of those other searches for approval and love we will then believe that our God cares for us. Let go and be free. Love others, seek others, but pursue God first. Love him first. This is not easy for us to do, and I don’t really know why. But the Christian life is a life of denial. We have to deny ourselves every day, we have to deny every temptation that so easily slips into our lives. So we can live in the reality we were meant for. And so God’s love is the only thing keeping us alive.

If you feel like giving up, or ever have...

To the end
I'll stand.
Even when my failure
Threatens me
Beats me up
Leaves me for dead
I'll stand.
I won't give up.
When the fight inside overwhelms
When I can't get over my pride
I'll remember the one who died
And I'll stand.
When anguish tears at my soul
And I don't know where to go
Or even what I feel
I'll look to my Solid Rock
Wave the Freedom banner high
And not give up.
To the end
To the end I'll stand.
Even when lies become my truth
I'll deny their power
And look to the Book
That has all the answers.
I'll stand
Hand in hand
With my God
Whose love will sustain me
Through every up and down
Every joy and pain
Till the end I'll stand.

There’s nothing like smashing your finger to let out pent up emotions. Sometimes, when I don’t understand the Kingdom of God, I feel as if God leaves me. I can remember amazing wonderful times where He has met me and turned my life around, or flooded me with his love. But I let what people say confuse this assurance. But no, I won’t believe it. He has not left me. And He never will. And also, I think it’s okay to cry. He understands. He holds me. He never leaves me.

The Heart of God

God kissed
A merciless world

God suffered
As a man
Humiliated, broken
Separated, abandoned
To let himself feel
The pain of rejection
Or the unmatchable joy
Of a heart given

The heart of God
Breaks
But his love knows
It’s worth the cost

We spit in his face
We shame him every day
What do we know of love?
When will we see his face?

The passion of God
Will not relent
Until all his enemies
Have been forgiven
Until all his followers
Turn from their hypocritical ways

The blood of God
Was spilled
And freely spent
To show a lost world
What it means to live

It hurts more to forgive
Than to die
And that’s what he does
Every day
His pain has not gone away
Yes, victory is his
But people still choose

We shun him
We forget him
We reject and abuse him
Yet he hunts us down
He heals our wounds
He knows our pain
Gathers our tears
And his love
Will set us free

The heart of God
Is displayed
Every day
Can you begin to see
The longing in his heart
For you, his dear child?

Your love
Is worth more to him
Than anything

It’s the heart of God
Who kissed the very ones
Who denied him
Defiled him
And killed him
But his love remains the same

The Garden

Do you see me?
My heart?
Is it soft as a child’s?
Is my hand tender
When you take it in yours
Does it resist your pull?
I want freedom
Liberty
I wan to run in your garden
And catch a glimpse
Of your beauty
I’m looking for you
Discovering mysteries
Daddy where are you?
You’re here somewhere
I can’t wait to run into your arms
And then I’ll escape
Laughing
But wanting only
To be caught by you
I’ll peek out from behind
Your flowers
Planted just for me
Then I’ll dance
In the sunlight
That brightens my eyes
You’ll spin me around
I’ll have no cares
Just delight
As we roll on the ground together
Lost in wonder
In our love for each other
It’s nothing I could deserve
But you make me a child again
A mature child
One ready to rule
But I won’t forget to dance with you
In your garden
My daddy
Is the King
And I know I can come
Whenever I please
For I am indeed free.

I Don't Have to Understand

My heart it beats with one desire
Or how I want it to
Is it truly ripped in two
Or do I just feel what I’m supposed to?
Are we to go about our lives
In either boring days
Or endless pain
And accept it as it comes?
Or is there a way to live and die
Suffering at a great price
But taking delight
In the one we love the most?
Should I cease my questioning heart
My longing mind
And realize
That to live is to die
Even if dying means separation?
Separate, but don’t lose my heart
Allow the pain
Because it’s worth it?
I won’t shut down
I’ll feel what he wants me to feel
After all
I love him the most
But just don’t let me boast
In myself
And don’t let me stray
And get in the way
Firm trust
In the midst of storms
My heart no longer dead
Nor fearing the norm
Or the empty
Because life with you
Life for you
Has no comparison
To anything else
I don’t understand
This life
But you gave it to me
So I’ll trust
When I don’t know where to go
No belonging
No clear future
You are my home
And I’ll follow
The cadence
Of your sweet voice.