I Close My Eyes

I wrote this poem in a little bit of a different approach than normal. I would say it's more like a free write where I just put words on the page even if I didn't
 know what they meant yet, and this was the result. I pray that as you read this God will touch your heart just as He is touching mine through these words He helped me to express.

I close my eyes because I can’t seem to surmise
What your face looks like when you’re looking at my life
I want to see you there in all your glory, just who you are
Pervading every molecule every moment in time in this world
That I find myself in, catching up to the grind and the design
Of daily life, this living that I look to try to find
Meaning in the moments
A reason to create
A song of passion to sing before it’s too late
How much time can I waste
Before I taste what I was made for?
Because I’m standing before this open door
Just waiting, listening, pleading
For you to show me how to step through
If I enter will I see?
If I go will I believe
That miracles direct my destiny
And you are in, around, and pulsing through me
In this cavity that seems to only hold my organs, blood and bones
But in reality is a cave around your ghost?
What does your breath in me
Feel like, taste like
And what is it supposed to produce?
When my mind overcomes my pursuit
I am lost and in the darkness I forget
That once your passion flowed through me like blood
Ignited my fingers to release the words that were vaulting from your heart
Gave me dreams to dance
To show the world who you really are
But do I know?
Doubt
It leaks in as a tar to my faith
Suffocating the joy that once accompanied grace
And fear takes the place of grace
But it can never undo your face
Oh, because when I remember
When I look, when I gaze
And go back to that place
You’re still there
As I sit in my shame
Feed on my enemy’s blame
You’re still there
Holding my hand, seeing my tear-streaked face
And holding my ear to your heart
Just to tell me it beats
Did I forget I’m alive?
This passion you confide, this love that ignites
It’s still here
And it’s a fight that sometimes is black
That sometimes only shows me my lack
But then grace comes
Like a gentle wave
Caressing my heart and reminding me why I’m saved
And your name is all I care about
I close my eyes so I can see
The beauty that once set me free
Because you said you would stay here with me
Until the night is done, until I see
Until I believe
And longer, you linger, merely to be with me