Useful

Have you ever had one of those days when you just don't feel like you've contributed anything to the world?
That day is today for me. I'm off work and have no other plans to fill my day. My goal was to work on my novel, but I wrote less than a page and it honestly felt stale.
These days happen; I understand that. Sometimes I just don't know why. I mean, I'm an artist, right? So when I have a free day like this, I should let creativity take over. But it doesn't always, despite my supplications to my muse (who is none other than Jesus Christ.) So there must be a reason the inspiration didn't come, right?
When I experience days like these there are some questions that arise within me. Questions such as: Does God still consider me useful even when I haven't been productive? Am I really doing anything good for the world? Was my life meaningless for a day since I didn't accomplish anything?
See, I feel that in this season of my life I'm living in this tension of knowing what I'm made to do and who I am but not always doing that or being that.
I'm waiting.
I have become but am not yet unveiled. I am a writer but not yet recognized as such by a large audience. I have a job but have not yet stepped into the fullness of my calling.
So in this place and in days like today when I am seemingly not moving forward, who am I? Maybe I need to start asking different questions. Like: Do I matter to God when I am not doing, but simply being? What does it even mean to be? How do I separate my self from my actions and accomplisments?
I know that I am always God's daughter and that he always desires to pour his love into me. So perhaps it's okay sometimes to not do anything, to stop and just exist for a moment. Maybe I'll move forward more than I thought was possible if I do this.
I keep hearing this word about waiting on God, and he will accelerate you.
I'm waiting.

Grateful

I just want to say
In the midst of all this pain
Jesus you are still the way
And I’m grateful
I just have to worship
My body has to dance
When I think of what you’ve done
How you’ve given us a chance
Free, undone, mercy overtaking
Washing what I’ve done wrong
Covering me as we are one
Creator, Father, friend, provider
You are higher than my words
My creativity lacks flare
And power
But when you overshadow
It speaks louder
I’m grateful
I’m grateful that you care
For the little ones down here
That you come and fill with purpose
And commission
To carry your very nature
And reveal your glory
In color, in light, in words and poetry
Movement, grace, wonder, hospitality
The privilege of this gift
I can’t describe
Jesus I’m grateful for this life

My Guide

Jesus

You tell me life can be
So full of joy I’m like a tree
Planted by your stream
Strong and well fed
My heart that once was dead
Now beats again
And proclaims your hope for those
With eyes to see
I hear your voice and see your eyes
They speak of love, abundant life
So why does dullness creep in seep in
And seem to steal the life within?
Why am I still blind at times
When your river runs right by my side?
Why can I not see your beauty
When it’s displayed right before me?
My fragile mind
It breaks with big agendas
It falls apart when plans are plenty
And fails to grasp that you are here
To steal the voice from my fear
And give me your hand
So I can follow you and trust again
Jesus
You speak of love so bold
And demonstrate it every day
So that I may follow you in every way
My fingers find your hand
They’re grasping now so don’t let go
I’m trusting you
I’ll see, I’ll go
I’ll follow you where you go
I’m blind in faith but free in life
Jesus
Lead me through this day as my guide