Why did you put this dream in my heart if I don’t ever have the
opportunity to do it?
If only I had the chance to learn, to
perform.
Growing up the only dance classes I
ever took were one year of ballet in sixth grade and scattered classes here and
there offered in my church. I always wanted to learn, but I suppose I never
felt like I had the opportunity, and I don’t think my parents knew how deep the
desire ran, so they didn’t feel the need to put me in regular classes.
I thought my time would come when
finally, after high school, I entered a one year ministry program in our
church. Dancing was a big part of the ministry tour the team took every summer.
Surely, I would get to dance.
So, we began to learn some
choreography, and then the time came to be “picked” to be in the dances. I
remember being disappointed a lot. After several times of not being picked,
disillusionment began to set in.
But I’m the one who loves to dance! Some of the others have never danced
in their lives, or don’t even like it.
It didn’t make sense to me. My time
hadn’t come when I thought it would.
It turned out that God had other
things to work on in me that year. He was not denying my desire; rather, he was
working on my heart so I would be ready for his timing.
I had to trust him and to learn to be
excited for other people. I also had to learn that ministry was not about my opportunity to show off my skills,
but about loving people.
Waiting is not easy, especially when
a fire burns inside your heart. But for me, it was necessary.
After that year, it was two more full
years before I finally had the opportunity to take a regular ballet class. I
was twenty-one.
The previous year I had done a second
year of this ministry program in another state, in which I did have some more
opportunities to dance. I was grateful for this, and yet, I knew I really
needed a lot more training to hone the skill and gain strength and flexibility.
I do remember at one point in the year when a dance instructor from my own
church came to teach us. When he saw me dance, he said, “It’s really good to
see you dance.” That meant more to me than he’ll ever know.
So at twenty-one, I took one year of
ballet from an amazing instructor at my church, and the following year actually
had the opportunity to go to the art school at the church and focus solely on
dance. I finally had the chance to do something I know God created me to do.
Most dancers start their training
early in childhood. I don’t know all the reasons why I didn’t learn until I was
an adult, but I do know that while there is pain in waiting, there is also
beauty. God focuses on different things with us in different seasons of our
lives, and what we have to remember is that he always knows what is best for
us.
In my waiting time, God taught me to
trust him, to trust his heart and his love for me. He taught me to turn dance
into something used to worship him and to share his heart with others, not
something to draw attention to myself. He taught me grace.
Today, at twenty-five, I am still
dancing. I really am amazed at how much I’ve been able to learn in such a short
time and I know I will only get better as I continue to give myself to the
process.
In our culture today especially, we
tend to want things right away. It doesn’t feel good to wait, or to put things
off, or to have to go through years of training to obtain what we want.
But it’s worth it. And if we miss the
process, we miss the beauty of the gifts.
I can be content with the level of
training I have in dance at this moment, knowing that this journey of learning
is not over.
I’m still waiting. I’m waiting for a
lot of things. But every day, if I remember to, I live loved, knowing that my
Creator stands outside of time, and that he knows best.
