God Knows Best: Embracing the Waiting

Why did you put this dream in my heart if I don’t ever have the opportunity to do it?

 

A question I used to ask God a lot. I couldn’t understand. I couldn’t understand how there could be something that made me come so alive and yet time after time I was let down by it. There was something inside of me that needed to be released, and for me, dance looked like it would offer that release.

If only I had the chance to learn, to perform.

Growing up the only dance classes I ever took were one year of ballet in sixth grade and scattered classes here and there offered in my church. I always wanted to learn, but I suppose I never felt like I had the opportunity, and I don’t think my parents knew how deep the desire ran, so they didn’t feel the need to put me in regular classes.

I thought my time would come when finally, after high school, I entered a one year ministry program in our church. Dancing was a big part of the ministry tour the team took every summer. Surely, I would get to dance.

So, we began to learn some choreography, and then the time came to be “picked” to be in the dances. I remember being disappointed a lot. After several times of not being picked, disillusionment began to set in.

But I’m the one who loves to dance! Some of the others have never danced in their lives, or don’t even like it.

It didn’t make sense to me. My time hadn’t come when I thought it would.

It turned out that God had other things to work on in me that year. He was not denying my desire; rather, he was working on my heart so I would be ready for his timing.

I had to trust him and to learn to be excited for other people. I also had to learn that ministry was not about my opportunity to show off my skills, but about loving people.

Waiting is not easy, especially when a fire burns inside your heart. But for me, it was necessary.

After that year, it was two more full years before I finally had the opportunity to take a regular ballet class. I was twenty-one.

The previous year I had done a second year of this ministry program in another state, in which I did have some more opportunities to dance. I was grateful for this, and yet, I knew I really needed a lot more training to hone the skill and gain strength and flexibility. I do remember at one point in the year when a dance instructor from my own church came to teach us. When he saw me dance, he said, “It’s really good to see you dance.” That meant more to me than he’ll ever know.

So at twenty-one, I took one year of ballet from an amazing instructor at my church, and the following year actually had the opportunity to go to the art school at the church and focus solely on dance. I finally had the chance to do something I know God created me to do.

Most dancers start their training early in childhood. I don’t know all the reasons why I didn’t learn until I was an adult, but I do know that while there is pain in waiting, there is also beauty. God focuses on different things with us in different seasons of our lives, and what we have to remember is that he always knows what is best for us.

In my waiting time, God taught me to trust him, to trust his heart and his love for me. He taught me to turn dance into something used to worship him and to share his heart with others, not something to draw attention to myself. He taught me grace.

Today, at twenty-five, I am still dancing. I really am amazed at how much I’ve been able to learn in such a short time and I know I will only get better as I continue to give myself to the process.

In our culture today especially, we tend to want things right away. It doesn’t feel good to wait, or to put things off, or to have to go through years of training to obtain what we want.

But it’s worth it. And if we miss the process, we miss the beauty of the gifts.

I can be content with the level of training I have in dance at this moment, knowing that this journey of learning is not over.

I’m still waiting. I’m waiting for a lot of things. But every day, if I remember to, I live loved, knowing that my Creator stands outside of time, and that he knows best.

No Limits: Overcoming Imaginary Hurdles

Imagination can either daunt us into dormant vision or entice us to create what we see, to build other universes. Fear is a very real enemy to creativity. Courage is our ally that we must take up arms with to stroke the canvas that will bring our imaginings to life. Others can't see what we see unless we make it visible to them. I often find myself standing before a wall that I want with all my heart to scale and yet my foot won't take that first step. It is lulled to sleep by fear of failure. I want it so bad that I'm afraid what I create won't live up to the high standard of my imagination.
Words are tricky creatures. They carry so much meaning, but they can also cause confusion. They can be translated even by someone who shares the same language into something entirely opposite of what the author meant. Words are alive, but they don't have a mind of their own. Fear of man has for centuries been an unnecessary enemy to productivity, invention, and creativity. We make the people's projected reactions our stumbling block, when really it is our own lack of faith in possibility. I know that with God there is no limit. He is the Creator of everything. If you really indulge in the wonder of the complexity of his handiwork, you realize how magnanimous he is. Let your heart dive into this miracle and it will cause unadultereted laughter to bubble up and make your eyes twinkle like a child's.
It is incredible.
That word, incredible, doesn't quite do it justice though. And I think that's what we fear. We fear the insufficiency of our feeble words.
Yet if our God is limitless, are not our words as well? Does our simple language have the potential to carry the power of Heaven?
Why not?
So don't let imagination daunt you anymore. Don't let the fear of man or the inadequacy of your words, your strokes, your moves, your strums keep you from creating the impossible.
The world needs to see what you have been shown.
Fear is your only enemy. A lethargic creativity can always be pushed past. If discouragement discounts your courageous attempts, do it again.
And remember, no limits!

The True Us

God is so gracious. He uses us even in the midst of our selfishness. I am convinced that God is always seeing the true us, the person He made us to be in the beginning. And even if we are not living up to that, he will intentionally highlight the things we do that model that true identity more than the things that don't. He knows that as he acknowledges the gifts we give to him, our desire to give will grow and grow. This is how we become. By receiving God's approval and love. Despite what we've done that we are ashamed of. When we throw off the shame is when we will change. It is never too late. So be encouraged today in whatever process you find yourself in. You are not there yet, but God looks at you as if you are, so you can become. I feel his favor and his approval. He is a good Father, and sometimes we just need a reminder of that.

Covered

Can you hear the beat of distant drums?

Do they resound inside the reserves of your heart

Rhythm unto rhythm, calling you apart?

The sound is faint to those of the Earth

But within Heaven’s gates it erupts like new birth

You can hear if you’re still

If you quiet your mind

Inside Heaven’s reach your heart is not blind

Can you see a distant light like a star in the night?

Does it speak to your life and call you to rise

Light unto eyes, identifying your drive?

Become who you are

Stare the lie in its face

Remove all your shame and disgrace

By one simple embrace

You are covered by blood and stand under grace

See and Speak

I want to see people the way they were originally intended to be, because that is the essence of who they are. I want to stop looking through judgmental or circumstantial eyes and see the beauty of a person. Not because of what they've done that's so great or of merit, but because the One who created me also created them, and they are no less and neither am I.
Maybe the phrase "to see through God's eyes" is overused, but even so, this is my prayer. I want to see people with spiritual eyes, and then go beyond that seeing and actually speak, actually release the words of encouragement to call their true identity out of them. This is how identities open up and blossom, just like a flower. I know, because I am a testament. So many people have spoken things into me and called things out, and so much of the time I didn't fully believe it. But I am believing more and more.
I just want to be faithful to encourage people. I think we all need to have this in mind. Everyone you encounter needs encouragement. Everyone. Let's stop seeing the outward, whether that's appearance, actions, or
words, but ask God for his eyes so we can see the truth in a person.
And don't forget to call it out.
Encouragement is powerful.

Stars

Last night I stepped outside and my eyes caught sight of the stars. It struck me then how long it had been since I looked at them, and I realized how desperately I need a bigger perspective in my life. I love looking at the stars, because they along with the expanse of the night sky remind me first of all how big God is and second of all that there is so much more to this life than I see most of the time. I say we need to indulge in the "bigness" of life, not in a sense of getting overwhelmed, but in knowing that God takes care of all of it, including our small and large struggles.
I've recognized how small my view of life is lately. Whether I'm viewing the world through my little computer screen or through the eyes of my current circumstances, I fail to look beyond the box. I forget how big and glorious and beautiful my God and Savior is, and how big and glorious and beautiful my own life can and is meant to be as a result. I forget how to be loved; hence, I foret how to love. I so often see life in a cave, when there is a whole universe out there declaring the glory of the One I claim to love the most.
God created beauty and put us in the midst of it, but sadly somehow we've managed to hide ourselves from it. I know this is not what our hearts long for. We long to be swept up into beauty and adventure, to be loved and to live for something bigger.
I say let's step into the fullness of life.
Let's see the stars and let them remind us how insignificant and powerless our daily enemies of doubt, worry, weariness, and dullness are. Let us see the majesty of our God and be caught up in His embrace and His story.

Truth Meets Desire

This poem came out of a time we had today to ponder the story of the woman who anointed the feet of Jesus at Simon the Pharisee's house, as told in Luke 7. I found myself mostly relating to Simon in this story, which somewhat surprised me. I believe in addressing this man who was both disgusted with the woman's actions as well as skeptical of who Jesus really was, Jesus was calling to his heart, speaking to his desires if he was willing to listen. Jesus was not rejecting him for his judgmentalism, his sin, or his lack of faith. He was calling him by name, acknowledging him as a man who needed grace, if he was only willing to lay down his pride, receive forgiveness, and become as extravagant with his love as the woman, the "sinner,"
 was with hers as a result of that receiving.
Jesus' truth was calling to Simon's desire that had been overcome by his doubts.

The one who sees me sits in this room tonight
The one who knows and looks right through my pride
He is my shelter, glowing heart
A voice that speaks my name
An eye that pierces through my shame

I am here, I am now

I don’t know why or how
Creator’s breath, Creator’s touch
Moves through the invisible
Notes the imperceptible

When I sit alone afraid of my thoughts

Not wanting to utter the whispers that shudder
All through my mind, the unseen, the blind lies
He is the one who is privy to my pain
The one who gives me a safe place, who calls me sane

My safety, my guide

Who understands my thoughts better than I
Who calls to my heart when I’m tied by my mind
Arouses desires that stir and make known
The path I long to tread, to love and to yearn

When I don’t know how to learn

He opens me up so I can kneel and unwind
Lay before him my pride
The dirt and the grime
So audacious to assume
That my tears could undo
The filth on his feet
But his blood says they do

The one who hears my doubts

When they remain in my head in the crowd
Picks me out, confronts straight up what I’m about
And his words bring me back to desire
The longings that once were on fire
Before they were consumed by my qualms

The one who looks and sees
Pierces through every encroaching disease
And speaks truth that meets
A desire that knows my deepest needs