The End of Me

I held his hand.
A simple gesture, and yet it changed my life.

I didn’t realize how often I had overlooked significant moments in my life until the day I had come to my end. I still had everything: money, friends, something to be a part of, possessions. But this was the day I came to see how empty I would be without the Love of my world, without my Creator’s spirit pulsing life through my chest. I felt, for the briefest moment, that He had left me, and everything fell apart. Confusion reigned in the domain of my soul. I couldn’t look anyone in the eyes and tell the truth, I couldn’t receive consolation from my friends. No one cared, and I didn’t expect them to. I had utterly failed. I didn’t even know what the truth was anymore, and I never, never thought I would come to this point. Everything had always been handed to me, generously, everything I based my life on. But what would I do when the choice was mine?

Throw it all away.

See, I hadn’t paid for it—someone else had. And I didn’t understand the price they paid. Frankly I didn’t care. I thought I cared, but when it came down to it, my own reputation and comfort was more important to me than anything. Well, not anymore. Not after my eyes were opened to the hideousness of my ways, to the rebellion in my soul, and the way I had hurt the ones I claimed to love the most. The confusion was eating me alive, and I didn’t know what to do. Until I let Him speak and reveal what was so obvious.

I had failed.
But.

But—He already knew I would. He knew this when He gave His life for me, years ago. He knew I would break His heart and hurt His other children, but He still gave His blood for me. I was covered. All I had to do was accept what had already been done.
But how? I was racked with guilt. What should I do?

Receiving my pardon will be your most humbling act.

That’s what He said, and I knew He was right. When I chose then and there, kneeling on the floor, alienated from the rest of the human race, to let His love flood my heart, the shame was lifted and I saw Him for who He really was. Kind. Merciful. A Creator who paid the ultimate price for His creation. The one to whom I owed my life, not the one who I was entitled to partake of.

I saw Him then.

He looked right at me with the deepest eyes of love, and He drew me right into His story. He said I would have to pay a price, but that it would be worth it. Well, I had come to the end of myself—what did I have to lose?

I took His hand.
Actually, He took mine.

Have you ever held your Creator’s hand? You would know if you have. For your life would never be the same. Grab on. He’s already reaching for you.

Lost

You fill the sky
With wonderful splendor
The angels sing and stand in awe
Of beauty beyond this world
And I stand speechless
Lost in your eyes
The forgotten sensation
Fills me now
This is what I’m made for
Hold me now
Hold me forever

You fill my heart
With glorious life
I see your world
It lies beyond the naked eye
But tonight I know
You are here
Tonight I know
You have always been near
Times past and times present
And days yet to come
You’ll be by my side
Until I am undone

Your mercy undoes me
Your look pierces me
I cannot retreat
When it is you I meet
My flesh protests
But my spirit cries yes!
You overpower
My soul in this hour

I yearn to know you God
I want to live with you
Seeing beyond what can be seen
Hearing more than forgotten religion
For you are true
More true now than in my past
So I will not leave
I will embrace this heavenly beauty
And know the life
That makes me who I am

Longing

My longing heart
Beats inside
Not always steady
But always seeking
For the life
That I must find

You are my
Desperation
The fire in your eyes
Fuels my hunger
And I must linger
In your holiness
Until I have you
Until I see
What life is meant to be

You are my passion
My full desire
I don’t want to sit here
And let the lies grow higher
But I want to see
The Truth shine brighter

You are my life
And I am finding
That when I know you
I am my truest self

Let me be lost
Cus I’m waiting to be found
By a truth and holy fire
That will meet this heart’s cry

I don’t want to deny
Your power or your love
No limitations
Will bind the spirit of the Living God
And you live in me
This I must really see.
Help me to believe!

Jason Castro's "Who I Am" Music | CBN.com

Jason Castro's "Who I Am" Music | CBN.com

I was just looking up some information about this new album by Jason Castro, because I really liked him on American Idol, and this is supposed to be his "Christian" debut album. There is one thing I wanted to point out that I disagree with in this interview. Castro says there is a difference between a worship leader and an entertainer. This is not true. Whether we follow God or not, all of our art is worship. So, if we seek to glorify God, we are being a "worship leader" in our art, in which the subject of our worship is God. However, if we do not follow God, whether we know it or not, there is another something or someone we are worshiping in our art, whether it's ourselves, our fans, our boyfriend/girlfriend, money, or whatever our focus may be. So, maybe Jason Castro is just not thinking along these lines. But I would venture to say that if he truly does seek to glorify God with his music, he really is a worship leader. Let us hope so. We need people to take their place and boldly speak of who is their all-consuming Life. We need a generation of no compromise, who clearly hears and follows God's voice, unashamed. Raise us up God!

Cry for the Sound of Heaven

What are you saying?
What are you doing?
Cus I’ve got to know
I have to know
For this fire inside will not burn out

My seeking heart is getting closer
Closer to answers
Closer to reality
But there is so much more I can’t see yet
But please, I want it
I want it more than my next breath

This desperate child is on her knees
On her face seeking you
My heart won’t shut down
Not until I’ve found
The love I was made for
The purpose to die for

My desperate soul is crying out
For touches of Heaven
For touches of freedom
And I don’t want to move
No, I don’t want to move
Because I’m right here with you
Just beginning to see

You’ve brought me through so much
And I don’t deny what you’ve done
But my heart has died momentarily
And I need a permanent resurrection

I’m made to live with passion
Who cares if I’m different than this world
I’m meant to jump off this cliff
Deny my self
Let go of these lies
All I want is the Truth

So I’m seeking your power
A desperate child on her knees
On her face
And I don’t want to move
I don’t want to move
Until I see your face
Know your love
And am sent on my way

Give me the words
To open up the lost
Give me the touch
To embrace the broken
Give me the eyes
To see what you see
Give me the ears
To hear the sound of Heaven!

It's Your Turn

I saw the hand, but I wouldn’t take it. To me it was ugly, fearful, even threatening. It had a gaping hole in it, and I feared that if I made contact, the same might happen to me. I couldn’t see the face attached to it. I could only see the hand. I didn’t know where to go, what to do. There was darkness all around, and I couldn’t shake the feeling that if I took another step forward, I would fall into a deep abyss. Death itself may have been waiting for me at the bottom if I trudged ahead. My fear kept me stationary, and my confusion made me blind. I forgot about the hand reaching through the blackness. I put an imaginary wall before me so I would not have to look at it, so I could keep making excuses for why it was so hard to move forward. I didn’t want to take the hand or let it touch me, for fear of the unknown.
So I simply did not do anything.
Until my longings surfaced. I yearned for freedom, wanted inspiration. I began to dream. I even imagined myself doing things I never thought I could do—dancing, flying, speaking and making dead things come to life.
And I saw the hand again. Its appearance had not changed, but I felt as though it was an opportunity this time. It was a chance to be free, to move forward. I feared the gaping hole still, because I didn’t want to catch that painful disease. But I felt a deep sadness as I thought of how I might be missing out on the greatest opportunity of my life—on the chance to fulfill the dreams in my spirit.
So I took the hand in faith.
But I still could not see the face.
I took a few steps forward, breathing in deeply, relieved and excited that I did not fall to my death, that maybe good things did wait for me further on. I took small steps, each a risk in itself, reminding myself to hang onto the hand whatever happened. Yet at times I let go, and still I tried to take steps forward, but they were strained, my heart was heavy, and I constantly felt like giving up or beating myself up because I wasn’t doing good enough.
But the hand did not disappear.
So I would take it again and keep walking, this time freer than before.
Soon I found I was not satisfied. I was tired of walking in this darkness, doing the same things over and over, only seeing and feeling the hand and not the rest of who it belonged to. So I began to speak. I asked this unknown person to show himself. I wanted to know who he was, in reality, not just making up my own perceptions of what I thought he was like.
When I asked him, he spoke.
He said, “I have always been with you. I am your Creator. I am the originator of your dreams and your longings. You cannot do this without me.”
I marveled at the tender but strong words and gradually let the imaginary wall down. I wanted to see all of him. I wanted to see what he was doing, so maybe I could do it too.
The wall came down.
I saw his face.
His eyes were deep. They seemed to reach into my soul and whisper reassurance. His hands were strong. They held me close to his chest to I could hear his heart beating. His heart beat to a steady rhythm. There was no fear in this man, only love. Love emanated from his being and slowly worked its way into my own heart. I never wanted to leave him, and I never wanted him to leave me. As if responding to my thoughts, he gently said,
“I won’t.”
I wept.
I wept because I realized that all this time, I had feared the absence of his presence. But even when I rejected his hand, or denied it was there to lead me or help me, he didn’t leave. Even when it hurt to stand still or to move on, or when I hated myself for being such a loser, he never left. And the gaping holes in his hands told me that he meant what he said.
Over time, I began to watch him more. I could see him dancing, flying, speaking to giants and mountains and making them move, healing broken hearts with soft touches.
Then he called me to do something new. Something I wanted deeply in my heart but yet was unsure if I was able to execute.
He did it before I ever had to.
Then he said, “It’s your turn, daughter.”
And he smiled.
That was all I needed.

Journey

Take the journey
I’ve made a way
You can’t see too far ahead
But I am already there
Knowing every care
Every hurt, every blow
To your heart along the road
I felt it too, when I took the journey
Long ago
I know every break
I know every joy
I can’t bear it when I see
The times you don’t believe
For it pains you
And it was never meant to be
Believe, child
Stand up
Keep walking
Soon you will fly
Because there is victory
In the blood I shed
Walk through the dark night
Look to the day!
Only brightness lies ahead
Rise above the fray!
All you have to do
Is seek my hand
Take it, hold on
And I will never let go
And you will see my face
And you will live by my grace
Until your journey
Is filled with my delight
For all you see
Is my fiery gaze
The all-consuming Fire
The First and the Last
I remain
So fix your eyes
On the Holy One
Who bore your shame
And this life
Will not leave you lame.